COMMUNITIES such as ours quickly become galvanized into action when a violent stranger enters its sanctum, creating chaos and fear. This has occurred several times at the University over the past few years, with predictable results: Students protest their lack of physical safety, the administration scrambles to address their concerns, and the police search for a suspect, with mixed results.
The response is predictably "normal," given the randomness of stranger rape. Yet, if we want to change the conditions that foster sexual and domestic/dating violence, we must stop asking the wrong questions. That's what we do, over and over again: Was she drinking? Was he drinking? What was the race of the victim? The race of the assailant? Were the doors/windows locked? Was she alone? Is he gay? Did he try to fight off the attacker? Did she/he scream for help? Had she/he met him before? Our need for answers, which focus only on the behavior of the survivor(s), only reveals our need for assurance that we are immune from similar attacks.
If we are to grow into a safer, caring community, then let's ask: Why was the attacker there? Why did he hit/rape/abuse her/him? What facet of our culture lets some people feel entitled to make unsolicited comments/touch/badger/harass/abuse/rape people simply because of their sex? Why do they believe that they will get away with it because they are privileged by their sex/class/race/insider status as University students or employees?
Eighty percent of all sexual assaults -- and virtually all cases of dating/domestic violence -- are committed by acquaintances. Among college students, that rate may be higher. From July 1, 1998 to June 30, 1999, the Sexual Assault Education Office compiled 70 reports of rape and sexual assault, 15 reports of dating/domestic violence and two reports of stalking from various University and community sources. All but two of these assaults were committed by acquaintances. Thus, if we apply to this the statistic that only 5 percent of college students report their sexual assault, approximately 1,400 sexual assaults occurred in that period. Does this seem outrageous to you? It should.
If you ask women what they do to avoid rape they will give you an exhaustive list of strategies applicable to stranger rape. It's so easy to point "out there" and blame "townies" for attacks against students. We can bar the windows, put in alarms, install more light fixtures and emergency phones, build walls. This will not stop 80 percent of sexual assaults. Ask women about acquaintance rape, and the confusion kicks in. Many women feel helpless when confronted with the truth, and men do, too. Yet, we are far from helpless.
What can we do? Men must listen to the voices of women for leadership, then engage their brothers in a manner that moves them beyond blaming outsiders for rape, and beyond the idea that they can protect women. Women must believe they have the right to set and defend their limits. We all have the right to decide when, where and in what manner we will be propositioned by, touched by, or intimate with another person, but not the right to make that decision for someone else.
We must understand that silence doesn't imply consent -- that "no" or even "I don't know" doesn't mean that more beer or emotional pressure will convince her. Sex with a partner who is intimidated, fearful, unheard or too inebriated to give consent is a felony and a violation of human rights. Yet, sex with consent should be the minimum standard for sexual activity; we must aim for sex with joyous, heartfelt enthusiasm.
The desire by some men to protect women is quite moving. But men cannot protect women from rape. Women are strong enough to take control of their own lives for their own protection and self-determination. What can men do?
First, defensiveness or even guilt does nothing to stop violence. Be women's allies. Get involved in Sexual Assault Facts & Education or One in Four. Take a Women's Studies course, then educate yourselves and your brothers about how sexism and heterosexual privilege benefit all men, even the kindest, most non-violent men, just as some of us benefit from white-skinned or class privilege. Learn non-violent techniques for confronting other men who tell rape jokes or demean women, or who speak of their sexual partners as conquests. Support your brothers who are survivors of child or adult sexual assault, or who struggle with their own painful legacies of growing up in violent homes.
Lastly, consider how your lives would be different if this violence did not exist. Ask others this question. You may discover that violence contaminates every corner of life. But it doesn't have to. We all play a role in ending sexual and dating/domestic violence. The first step is to change ourselves.
(Claire N. Kaplan is the University's sexual assault education coordinator.)
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