1. Athletes. 2. Sportswriters. 3. "We've really just got to out there and play our game, you know? They've got a great team, but if we can focus on our game plan and execute, I think we can come out on top." 4. Executing. 5. George W. Bush was a professional sports owner in Texas before he became president. Mark Cuban owns the Dallas Mavericks. God help us. 6. The Minnesota Wild. 7. XFL color analyst Jesse "The Governor" Ventura. 8. They're making them cheer. 9. The sanctity of the Super Bowl will be ruined by an embarrassing performance by 'N Sync. 10. More people will tune in for 'N Sync than for the Super Bowl.
11. Bobby Bowden's glasses. 12. Average American: "PGA? Never heard of it. But I love that handsome boy who bounces the golf ball in the Cadillac commercial." 13. Commercials starring overpaid athletes living off a fluke MVP season two years ago. 14. Commercials starring athletes. 15. Boing. 16. Tiger's so good he's made golf awfully boring. 17. Golf was awfully boring already. 18. Baseball is worse. 19. Dick Vermeil, Marty Schottenheimer and Bill Parcells received NFL head coaching offers, and Marvin Lewis, Art Shell and Terry Robiskie didn't. 20. Chucky.
21. "Offense puts people in the seats, but defense still wins championships." 22. Defense is boring. We want XFL cheerleaders. 23. Most disappointing NFL rookie: Arizona Cardinals backup tailback Thomas Jones. 24. When they're off the field, most college and pro athletes are playing the field. 25. Especially Rae Carruth. 26. It's not nice to make fun of a man who is going to live his life in prison for having his pregnant ex-girlfriend murdered. 27. Illegal defense. 28. Inane year-end sports lists that nobody reads because they ramble on about things nobody cares about or understands, and they can't make a point without losing themselves on a completely unrelated tangent. 29. And then they are printed four weeks after the end of the year, making them completely irrelevant 30. The NHL regular season.
31. John Rocker is the most feared closer in the game and that makes him the best in his sport. 32. Allen Iverson is even better in his. 33. ... on 12-hour tape delay from Sydney, amateur athletes with multi-million dollar endorsement contracts. 34. Boing. 35. The 65-team NCAA Tournament. 36. Anna Kournikova is a better bra model than a tennis player. 37. Anna Kournikova looks better in a tennis skirt than a bra. 38. Mia Hamm still looks better in soccer shorts than Anna Kournikova does in a tennis skirt. 39. Professional men's soccer is a failure. 40. Professional women's soccer will fail faster.
41. Juan Gonzalez makes more money than Luis Sojo, Darrell Armstrong and Lamar Smith. 42. Dennis Miller has not been kidnapped, bound, gagged and castrated by a group of disgruntled MNF fans who like a [ed's note: Insert vague historical reference here] treated him like a [ed's note: You are the editor, idiot]. 43. Love Shaq University 44. Deion's religious awakening. 45. Some college sports sections can't resist swiping an idea from Esquire. 46. It's better than copying The Onion every week, Poodah. 47. "The 2000 New York Giants Yearbook: No offense? No schedule? No talent? No problem!" 48. The World Series was on FOX. 49. More people watched "Temptation Island" than the World Series. 50. Shawn King's poise can't overcome his lack of talent.
51. Who. 52. Let. 53. The. 54. Dogs. 55. Out. 56. ?. 57. Michael. 58. Do you mean Jordan, Vick, Strahan, Modano, Piazza or one of the O-Town boys? 59. But we all know who Justin is. 60. This would be a much longer list if it were about real life..
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