It's August now, which means students everywhere are freaking out because classes are about to begin. All of them are flocking to the beaches, either trying to get a nice tan (if they're females) or trying to make videos exactly like "Girls Gone Wild" (if they're males).
Everyone knows how important it is to look their best at the beach, especially if they're encouraging members of the opposite sex to remove pieces of clothing. That's why the really smart students start lifting weights in January while the lazy ones are still lifting beer cans.
I actually started working out a few months ago, expecting to build a body similar to those that appear on the cover of "Muscle and Fitness." Unfortunately, as I look at my arms right now, all I can see are shapeless lumps resembling certain canned meat products.
But you can avoid looking like me if you have the right attitude. Just think about how great you'll look after forcing your muscles through hours of agonizing pain.
Actually, it's not that bad. It's much worse. You're going to need a lot more than a psychopathic mentality if you want the perfect body.
First, diet is key here, because you are what you eat. Guys need to eat enough food to raise a large colony of Free Willies. One of my friends accomplished this by eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every two hours. He did this for months, pretending the sandwiches translated into pure muscle after he got sick of eating them. I'm not sure if the calories went to his muscles or to his belly. I think he might have killed too many brain cells while thinking up his brilliant plan.
However, this is a much better strategy than drinking protein shakes, which is what I tried to do. Protein shakes taste like powdered dirt and have approximately the same nutritional value. Also, it's very expensive dirt, costing much more than actual food. You might as well scrape up some soil from your front yard and make a shake out of it.
Females usually don't bother with protein shakes, since women mostly are trying to get smaller instead of bigger. Instead, some go to the extreme of converting calories to "points." A female friend of mine once proudly announced to me that she had consumed only 30 points of food before eating dinner.
But who's keeping score of the points? Is this a game something like golf? Do you win money for having the lowest score? Do you get little caddies to keep your score for you?
All I know is that you have to carry around a chart to keep track of your score. Therefore, this method of "keeping score" doesn't work for males simply because the chart is too big to fit in their wallets.
Whether you're a male or a female, the next thing you have to worry about is what happens when you actually decide to set foot inside the gym. Once inside, you'll see guys (and sometimes girls) with huge muscles who have been bodybuilding since they were in kindergarten.
They don't talk much, but communicate with each other using short grunting noises, which sound like mating calls on the Discovery Channel.
When you see these people for the first time, you'll probably want to run home and cry. Try not to do this. Just think about how many brain cells they've lost from eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
After a full year of living in the locker room, surviving on peanut butter and jelly and playing the points game, it's guaranteed that you'll be in great shape for the beach.
But don't get your hopes up. You'll probably get third-degree burns instead of a deep tan, and your video will consist of young co-eds running away instead of girls going wild.
I'll be watching from my chair, fully content with my shapeless lumps of canned meat.
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