It was difficult to find someone to go see "The Guru" with me. Usually when I mention that it is time for me to review a movie, I have a plethora of friends willing to tag along. "The Guru," however, invited no such companionship. My boyfriend offered to drop me off in front of the theater and pick me up when the movie was over, but refused to pay for the film. Finally, after a pitiful plea, I finagled a friend into both paying the $7.75 and enduring the roughly hour and a half running time.
I can't say that this movie is high quality, and the last thing I would call it is Oscar material, but I also cannot bring myself to hate it. It is cheesy, the script is ridiculous and the acting is mediocre, but I cannot help but feel that this is exactly how it is supposed to be.
The premise of the movie is as follows: Ramu Gupta (Jimi Mistry), a two-bit dance instructor in India, decides to come to America and pursue the American dream -- which is, of course, to become a famous actor in Hollywood and drive a red Mercedes. When he arrives in the dear old melting pot, Ramu finds that success is not quite as accessible as he had hoped. He inadvertently becomes involved in the porn industry, where he meets porn star Sharonna (Heather Graham), who works all day making pornography films and all night with her Catholic fiance, who believes she is a schoolteacher. Ramu is quickly frightened by this business and returns to the comfort of his original job in America waiting tables.
When his restaurant is catering a birthday party for the extremely wealthy and spiritually searching Lexi (Marisa Tomei), Ramu is roped, last-minute, into playing the role of the guru. Panicking, the only thing he can think to do is repeat the sexual advice Sharonna had given him on set and teach the Macarena. Somehow, this combination is wildly successful, and all of Lexi's party guests are thrilled with the guru's wisdom. Lexi decides to take Ramu under her wing to "get his message out there."
Suddenly, Ramu finds himself as "the guru of sex." The only problem with this is he has little to no sexual knowledge.
Fortunately, he has an acquaintance or two in the pornography department. Sharonna begins to give him lessons on sex under the pretense that Ramu is trying to be a successful porn star. Ramu promises never to reveal what Sharonna tells him, but like all romantic-comedy promises, the vow is broken. Not only does Ramu tell someone about Sharonna's sex secrets, he tells the entire United States. This little lie becomes a bigger problem when Ramu discovers he is falling in love with Sharonna.
I won't tell you how the movie ends, but if you cannot figure it out for yourself at this point, you have never seen a romantic comedy. This film has the rare combination of being totally bizarre while still following the exact formula that all films of its genre follow. Man and woman fall in love (but deny it), an exposed lie or secret breaks them apart, man and woman get back together and live happily ever after.
Referring back to my earlier terminology, "totally bizarre" certainly describes this movie. It combines traditional Indian costume and dance with a cheesy American script and songs from the musical "Grease." In fact, Ramu has a fantasy where he and Sharonna are dressed in traditional Indian garb singing "You're the One That I Want." Yes, I spent the entire film making fun of practically everything about it, but like I said before, I can't hate this movie. I have this nagging feeling that the people who were involved in its production knew exactly what they were doing. And I admire the fact that the movie makes no claims to be anything other than what it is. No marketing executive or PR rep tried to sell this film as brilliant or revolutionary.
So yes, "The Guru" is absolutely terrible, and I would recommend that you save your eight dollars and wait until it is on video to see it. And yes, I give it fewer than three stars, but I must admit -- however ashamedly -- that I have a tiny soft spot for it in my heart.
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