If your heart skipped a beat when you saw the title of this article, then yes, your time has come. First, the Cinematheque does multiple "Napoleon Dynamite" screenings last weekend, and now The Cavalier Daily has finally given me the thumbs up to spout off "Napoleon Dynamite" quotes, thinly veiled as a Life Column.
:::Deep breath::: Yesssss.
Those of you who haven't seen "Napoleon Dynamite," go ahead and stop reading now. This column will make no sense (even less so than normal). But seriously, stop. Go see "Napoleon Dynamite" right now. Get up in the middle of whatever lecture you're reading this in and go. Your professor may ask you what you're doing, but just say, "Sir, I'm going to see 'Napoleon Dynamite' immediately." He will reply, "Oh, I'm sorry, please continue. You must see this piece of cinematic marvel, post haste." Trust me, it'll work.
Now, for those of you who have seen it: bring on the quotes!
"Napoleon, give me some of your tots."
"No! Go find your own!"
Abbreviating "tater tots" to just "tots" is by far one of the cleverest time-savers Idaho has ever given us. From here on out, I'd like to see the dining halls change their food labels to reflect this growing trend. "Pasta" is now "sta," "pizza" is now "zza" and "fish sticks" are now just "ticks." Actually, scratch that last one.
"The Nessy Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally."
George Costanza was right -- we are in severe need for bubble cities. Or failing that, personalized oceanic bubble exploration vehicles. There is so much I want to know about the aquatic societies of our gill-bearing brethren. I wonder if they're as musical as "The Little Mermaid" has made me believe.
See, I could have gone with a "Finding Nemo" reference, but I'm old school like that.
"Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx."
How sweet would it be to drive a dune buggy to class? Pretty freakin' sweet. Actually, back it up. How sweet would it be to drive a Fisher-Price Power Wheels Jeep to class? Awesome. Then later, three of my buddies and I will be driving around Grounds in matching outfits hanging out the side of my Power Wheel, rockin' out to Wham!, with our orange mocha frappuccinos in hand. Oh man, if anyone seriously wants to do this, send me an e-mail. We'll schedule tours down McCormick.
"Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite..."
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and the Alphabet song are in fact the same song. Don't be fooled.
"Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals."
No commentary here, that's just hands down the funniest line in the history of humor.
"I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me."
This week The Cavalier Daily reported that former U.Va. quarterback Matt Schaub was arrested for assaulting a guy on the Corner after Saturday's home football game. Somewhere there's an announcer waiting to go, "And that's another Cavalieeeeer... Smack down!"
"You ever come across anything... like time travel?"
"Easy, I've already looked into it for myself."
"Right on... right on."
I love old slang way too much. I'm totally bringing back "... not!" as the ending to a sentence. I'm sure this'll catch on immediately and won't make me feel uncomfortable when I use it in academic and social situations... NOT.
If this column does absolutely nothing else, I hope that it at least brings back this vernacular tribute to the early 90s. That, and saying, "Peace in the Middle East" as you leave somewhere. I don't think I need to point out that there is a direct correlation between violence in the Middle East and the fading out of that phrase. Coincidence? I think not.
Alright, that's enough quoting for now. I'm spent. It took me like three hours to finish the quoting on this column. It's probably the best column I've ever written.
...Mainly because awesome "Napoleon Dynamite" quotes help balance out dud jokes about the 90s.
Dear AVP, Hullabahoos, Sil'hooettes and any other members of the secret order of the a capella,
You guys should team up to do a joint-fundraiser concert. Not for a charity or something, but instead to raise the money to bring Rockapella to U.Va. Their smooth voices on "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego" lulled me into the love of geography I still hold today. It's imperative that you do all you can to bring them. Because if the a capella groups can't band together in celebration of the founding father of the art of "not-owning-instruments," then I guess I don't get the point of being an a capella group.
Peace in the Middle East,
Eric "Charter member of the ACME Detective Agency" Cunningham
Eric can be reached at Cunningham@Cavalierdaily.com
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