Happy Wednesday folks, I hope your Easter weekend was calm and Peep-filled.
I took the opportunity this weekend to watch Mel Gibson's stoic and thought-provoking soon-to-be-classic film. Yes, I watched "What Women Want" on TBS. Apparently they want to stare at his crotch. Repeatedly. But then again, who doesn't?
I bet as a kid, bullies would tease him constantly. "Smell Gibson," I'd wager. Witty bastards.
The name "Eric" is not an easy name to make fun of. What are you gonna do? "Esoteric Cunningham"? Nothing insulting really rhymes with Eric. "Eric the Parrot" was popular in kindergarten. But sticks and stones may break my bones, but approximate rhyme can never hurt me.
Now we approach that delicate time that's after Easter but before Springfest when Cavalier Daily Opinion columnists come out of the woodworks to hail the fantastic-ness of the now-defunct tradition of getting wasted/naked in Mad Bowl known as Easters. Easters: only at college could you take the holiest day of one of the world's largest religions and turn it into a weekend of alcohol poisoning and general debauchery.
For you fact-checkers out there, it's true that Easter is considered holier than Christmas (yeah, despite Christmas gifts generally being more desirable than pastel-laden eggs). This fact always boggled me. At the end of December, in church we'd learn about how Jesus was born and then in April, we'd have Easter and the story of the Passion. I'd think to myself, "How did Jesus do all that stuff in just four months? That guy was amazing."
I'm going to hell.
I feel at a distinct disadvantage being a Wednesday columnist since this year April Fool's Day falls on a Friday, leaving it as old news by the time the next Wednesday rolls around. So I don't get to use the column as a release for the most sacred of days for Life columnists. For my prank, I was totally gonna write the whole column in Spanish.
"¿Y qué se hace con los cacahuates en los aviones? ¿Son tan pequeños, verdad?¿Verdad? Tú sabes, sí, tú sabes."
...and now I've alienated half of the audience who's still bitter that after five years of Spanish they've forgotten everything, all due to the fact that they couldn't get into SPAN 201 that first semester of first year. Qué lastima.
I stand firm in the belief that it is impossible to use the word "contraption" without preceding it with the phrase "new-fangled."
Seriously, Chik-fil-A, I know I'm not the first person to beg you to stop putting the pickles on the sandwiches, but if you don't stop, I'm gonna just stop going to the Pav and getting Chik-fil-A all together. Or at least I would if I hadn't used up all my Plus Dollars on waffle fries already.
But come on, the pickle? It's nasty. Pickles in general are nasty. They're cucumber's ugly cousin. Or is the zucchini cucumber's ugly cousin?I'm not really sure. That whole family is just bad news.
Happiest moment of week: When a representative from CASE asked me if I had my "What's my BAC?" card and I was able to earn five dollars just by having it. I thought it was a scam before, but I was proven so wrong.
Saddest moment of the week: Realizing the story of my happiest moment of the week could literally end with, "...and then I got five dollars."
Dear Hannah Bae of Miami,
While your offer flatters me, unfortunately I have already been betrothed to Nainan, the son of a humble peasant. My dowry was three goats and a sack of grain. As you can see, Nainan has paid a higher bounty than I am worth so I am clearly obligated to honor the pact we have made.
Eric
P.S. Unless of course, you have two bags of grain... or a saltlick, perhaps?
Eric's column is printed each Wednesday. He can be reached at cunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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