I think I'm gonna try a running theme throughout the columns this year [which I'm sure will only last a few weeks] of highlighting "This Week's Favorite Awkward Moment." If The Cavalier Daily production team could get some fancy font for that title, I'd really appreciate it. No? Some Word Art, maybe? A little Verdana? Some Comic Sans, perhaps? All right, forget it. Here goes:
This Week's Favorite Awkward Moment [insert cymbals crashing here]:
Being in an audience at a concert or in the pews at church when the performer asks everyone to clap and only about five people actually do it. That's socially awesome.
This has been: This Week's Favorite Awkward Moment.
Before sitting down to write a column, I tried eating some Laffy Taffy, you know, to get the creative juices flowing. Apparently, "creative" tastes like grape.
I feel it is no coincidence that Book-It motivated us to read in elementary school, and now in college I can't pull an all-nighter for a research paper without a slice of pepperoni.
It's been a week of classes, and I'm already way behind. I just can't find motivation to do the reading. I mean, maybe if there was a free personal pan pizza involved, then I could get on board and Drop Everything And Read.
One interesting thing I noticed was that in coming back to Grounds, the library housed in Clark Hall has recently been renamed the "Charles L. Brown Library." I'm almost certain the sizable donation required to get a library's name changed was just a blatant effort to impress The Red-Haired Little Girl.
Good grief, that joke was lame.
It's been so hot lately. I can't take it anymore. Damn you, global warming. Cheese Whiz aerosol containers are the downfall of our society. But not to be defeated, I have the following list of suggestions the University could implement to help alleviate the sun-induced concerns of late:
1. Slip n' Slides on the Lawn.
2. City-sized sun-blocker à la Mr. Burns.
3. Turn Amphitheater into giant swimming pool.
4. Change steam tunnel settings from "steam" to "ice."
5. Aviator sunglasses for all, then get everyone to pretend the subsequent "aviator tans" are cool.
6. Free ice cream. Everywhere.
Apparently, other things happened this summer besides heat. My sources [:::cough, cough Best Week Ever, cough:::] have informed me that this summer Tom Cruise got engaged to Katie Holmes in a blatant and shameless way to boost the buzz surrounding both of their summer movies. Not to be outdone, I'd like to announce that Opinion columnist Katie Cristol and I are having a baby. Two can play at this game, Maverick.
The Cavalier Daily reported Monday on the new ABC crackdown with a story called, "Students, bars react to stiffer drinking laws." I'm gonna guess they're gonna deal with stiffer drinking laws by ordering stiffer drinks.
It's a pun -- because "stiff," when referring to alcohol implies... nevermind.
Dear General Mills,
Give it up. Just finish the job. We want it, you want it. Just make Lucky Charms 100 percent marshmallow. Seriously, it's about time. Nutrition is so 1992.
Love,
Eric
Eric can be reached at ericcunningham@cavalierdaily.com.
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