College is like a petting zoo. There is the educational aspect, but the thrill you're really paying for comes from the up-close-and-personal encounters. Like losing your sweater to the petting zoo goat, a little ignorant curiosity in college can leave you very regretful ... and very naked.
It's happened to the best of us: the awful and untimely feelings of regret that come midway through hooking up with a stranger at a party. There are plenty of excuses you will later invent (i.e. being too drunk) in order to convince yourself that you were not that desperate.
The thing is, when you locked lips in the shadows of the bar, there was some satisfaction going on inside your head, "Wooo! I caught one!" You wink at your friend who is busy reeling in her own piece of overly-cologned meat. Within minutes, however, you pull your sloppy face back for some air when, low and behold, this is not (NOT!) the deliciously mysterious cowboy you had so eagerly imagined from across the room moments earlier.
Remember, dear sober reader, the authentic cowboy is extinct, and all that remains are silly men strutting around bars (and the White House) pretending to be one.
You think to yourself, "Way to go, self! You've managed to catch yet another loser hiding behind an Abercrombie ad disguised as a sweater. If only he could have disguised his breath with such dexterity." Meanwhile, your tongue is still busy keeping things polite, and his hands are busy probing the territory "Ray Charles style." (And no, I'm not being derogatory, the man was a womanizer.)
This is a disaster and yet may well be a recurring theme in your life. The solution to this swelling pickle (pun intended) is as simple as walking away, as awkwardness is superfluous at this point. The more comprehensive solution is to see to it that this mistake is not repeated.
A decision to be intimate with strangers is a gamble, and if you find yourself not enjoying the experience, it may be worth making the conscious decision to be selective. Sure, there are those who like to "experience college" like dogs in a pasture of fire hydrants, but there are those who know that college experiences can actually be both playful and meaningful.
Finding someone else's underwear in your dirty laundry, for instance, can be quite disturbing if you can only narrow down the list of possible owners. If, however, it is your boyfriend's "lucky" Donald Duck boxers that you discover, it may just send a smile across your face.
What's the harm in knowing who you're waking up to in the morning? Sure, you can have self-respect and also hook up with strangers, but ... doesn't it just get dull? And is it not almost always wrought with disaster? Comfort is essential to healthy sexuality -- which may be difficult if you don't even know the name of the sweaty barnacle latched to your face.
A relationship may or may not be for you, but if it's disgust and guilt you feel in discovering someone is a chain smoker only after swapping saliva, then consider a converse alternative: kissing the lips of someone who lets you name his genitalia and makes you feel most sexy without makeup on.
Kate Carlisle is a Health & Sexuality Columnist. She can be reached at kate@cavalierdaily.com.
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