I learned recently that in the late 1340s about a third of Europe was wiped out by "Tabling." This awful disease spread like wildfire and killed about 25 million people. With these credentials, it's no wonder people go so far out of their ways to avoid "Tablers," the obvious cause of this malady.
Alright, enough with this metaphor. Last week I underwent a classic U.Va. rite of passage and tabled for the first time. In case you've missed out on this experience, when you table, people avoid you like the plague. Get it?
Standing outside of Newcomb, I got the impression that even my own mother would go out of her way to avoid eye contact with me, and she says I'm the handsomest guy in school.
I was tabling for a 5K, and the way I see it, I'm not convincing anybody to run three miles. You can probably coax somebody into going to an a cappella concert or something like that, but have you ever convinced a stranger to run a few miles? I didn't think so.
There are two types of tablers: those like myself who'll say the occasional word but feel that the poster in front of the table describing the event is more than sufficient, and the ones who are about one second away from turning you upside down and shaking you for your lunch money like a grade-school bully.
Tablers like me might as well be mannequins with handfuls of flyers. Actually, I would go with those cool blow-up clown punching bags. You could just tape flyers to them, and that way people could take out their frustration with a good haymaker while learning how to fight world hunger.
Now the crazy yelling tablers are the ones you really need to look out for. A split second of eye contact with them will result in a world of pain. The closest thing I can compare an interaction with these tablers to is the scene from "Terminator 2" when the T-1000's arms morph into hooks as he chases down a car. Just imagine an angry tabler chasing you down and screaming about diabetes as his hands morph into flyers and registration forms. There is no escape from this situation unless you have a giant pot of molten metal and Arnold Schwarzenegger with you.
The other day my computer decided to display the "blue screen of death," notifying me it was going to take an early vacation this semester. Now for most people a trip to ITC to get this sort of thing fixed is nothing but a hassle; I say those people are sorely mistaken. A trip to ITC and some well-chosen desktop wallpaper is a formula for a solid 30 minutes of hilarity. You may be asking yourself what I'm talking about and lucky for you, I shall explain. All you need to do is find a picture that would make any stranger trying to fix your computer feel more uncomfortable than he has ever been in his life. That shot where you're in a Speedo flailing around in a wading pool full of creamed corn ... bingo!
Imagine Joe ITC booting up your old laptop, and fumbling awkwardly for the next half hour trying to avoid addressing the fact that your wallpaper is a 75-year-old woman in a bikini. The best part is that you just sit there like your wallpaper is all daisies and sunshine. If any of you actually do this, please let me know how it goes.
Thanksgiving break is on the horizon, and I thought it would be nice to wrap up with some little-known Thanksgiving facts. Did you know that there is a Canadian Thanksgiving that takes place on the second Monday in October?
Did you know that Canadian people had anything to be thankful for? Well neither did I.
Also, Thanksgiving on a Monday is just crazy. The Lions and Cowboys don't play on some Monday in October, however, the "Quebec Querlers," the Canadian answer to the Harlem Globetrotters, do put on a rousing curling exhibition that day. It really is quite exhilarating to watch people sweep ice.
Here's to football, pumpkin pie, stuffing, turkey and everything else that makes Thanksgiving great. Enjoy the break everybody, and really do check out the "Querlers" if you ever get the chance.
Eric Ast's column is published bi-weekly on Tuesdays. He can be reached at ast@cavalierdaily.com.
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