Last year, after a serendipitous encounter with University President John T. Casteen, III at Alderman Café, I was compelled to research this marvelous human specimen and document a brief list of my discoveries about the man. I have since learned many more awe-inspiring facts regarding him and his achievements and his aura and his aura's achievements (his aura is so great that it sometimes acts independently to achieve great things). Let's have a look.
First of all, all the amazing stuff attributed to Chuck Norris was actually done by John Casteen wearing a Chuck Norris mask. Furthermore, all the amazing stuff attributed to John Casteen was done by John Casteen wearing a Chuck Norris mask and then a John Casteen mask over it. Why wouldn't John Casteen simply remove the Chuck Norris mask to reveal his actual face instead of sporting a second mask designed as a mere replica of his face? The answer to that is as simple as two words: John Casteen.
John Casteen believes everything he reads, because even if something wasn't true before, it becomes true once John Casteen believes it. John Casteen knows how to play to his strengths.
John Casteen got in a heated argument with a mattress salesman because John Casteen does not lie down for anyone.
John Casteen is solid, not only in his character, but also in his physical constitution. The only thing that can cut John Casteen is other John Casteen. He's like diamond in that regard.
Most adults can tell time, but only John Casteen can tell time to get the hell off his property before he calls the cops.
Until John Casteen made his first trip to Canada many years ago, the southernmost province was called Offtario.
Global warming is because of glaciers crying after John Casteen raises his voice at them.
John Casteen can shoot and kill an ant with a BB gun from 10 inches away. That doesn't sound that impressive, but think how far 10 inches is for an ant.
John Casteen sleeps 30 hours a night. That's just not even healthy.
If John Casteen forgets to bring a pen to a meeting, he doesn't ask to borrow one, because that would be a sign of weakness. Instead, he just cancels the meeting and tells everyone to forget about whatever they were going to discuss. Hence, the progress of the South Lawn Project.
Referring to a glass of water, a friend of John Casteen once remarked that the glass was half empty. John Casteen, who has always been an optimist, immediately corrected him and pointed out that the glass was no more than 40 percent empty.
When he was a baby, John Casteen's first words were, "Mom, get the camcorder, I have stuff to say now." His next words comprised a lengthy speech entitled "Multiculturalism and the Experience of Youth: An Infant's Tale of Self-Realization."
A lot of people consider Thomas Edison the greatest American inventor because he invented such groundbreaking devices as the telegraph and the light bulb. But what these people have not considered is that Thomas Edison himself was invented by none other than John T. Casteen. Therefore, by the transitive property, John Casteen is the one who truly deserves to be called the greatest American inventor. Oh, that reminds me: John Casteen also invented the transitive property.
John Casteen is the square root of John Casteen squared.
John Casteen posed for the picture of the walking man on crosswalk display signs. He was also asked to trace his hand for the "Do Not Walk" indicator, but he forgot to bring a pen.
Sometimes if you listen late at night, you can hear the sound of John Casteen's gentle voice reverberating in the bushes on the north side of the Rotunda. Specifically, what you'd be hearing is a tape recording I made of John Casteen's 2003 Convocation address, playing on a continuous loop from a mini stereo that I planted there.
John Casteen has no butler. Wait, did I say "butler"? I meant to say "butter." John Casteen is fresh out of butter, actually. Hey Jeeves, could you run to Harris Teeter and pick up some Country Crock for Mr. Casteen? Thanks, Jeeves, 'preciate it.
John Casteen is a good sport. I hope.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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