Before we get started, as always, I present your Weekly Riddle (#27): You're in a closed room with nothing in it but yourself, a fully functional chocolate stopwatch and a glass of milk. Time how long it takes you to eat the stopwatch. (See answer at the bottom.)
Fraternities are vitally important to our way of life here at the University of Virginia. Not only do they sponsor fantastic social events year-round, but they also ... hmm ... Ok, maybe I shouldn't have started that sentence with "not only."
I asked one member of an esteemed fraternity about the good his house does for the greater Charlottesville community. He seemed to think Phil Anthropy was a former brother or perhaps the president of another chapter.
The word "fraternity" comes from the Latin word frater, meaning "brother." Scholars believe the suffix -nity is etymologically related to "Natty." Scholars also believe that it's the worst suffix they have ever tasted, but it gets the job done.
When one arrives at the University, one may feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of fraternities whose parties can be freely attended. One also is inclined to wish that one were a girl so that admission to parties would be less of an obstacle. If one happens to be a girl already, one should stand next to me so that I'll have a better chance of getting in. It's common courtesy, one. Don't play me like that, one.
Who gets into these frat parties, and who gets the boot? Sure, it helps to have a bevy of girls tossed into your group, but it's your overall demeanor that will ultimately decide if you're worthy of condensed, awkward, social interaction.
Treat it like swiping into O-Hill. Make sure you have your student ID ready before you reach the door or else you will be instantly denied (or as they say at the dining halls, "Dean-ied"). Look casual as you introduce your slightly-less-attractive guest. Finally, if you're facing imminent defeat, barter using your Plus Dollars.
Not all experiences involving fraternities are pleasant ones. To any first-year who has already made that unfortunate trek to the Lodge on foot, I say consider your mistake a rite of passage. At least it didn't happen in the middle of a torrential downpour, right? Oh right, I forgot about Ernesto. Nevermind.
Also, to any first-year who has made that unfortunate trek to the Lodge by car, bus, bike, scooter or any other means of transportation, I extend to you similar condolences.
To clear up one myth, Madison House is not a frat. True, it's on Rugby Rd. True, it's dilapidated beyond all reason and has a front lawn that's ideal for dropping "empties." But unlike certain fraternal organizations, Madison House seeks to adopt grandparents, not raid their liquor cabinets.
It's important to learn the different characteristics of the various brotherhoods since their names often sound similar and can be confusing. For example, one easy way to distinguish Pi Kappa Phi from Pi Kappa Alpha is to remember that Pi Kappa Phi throws a big Bahamas Party every year, while Pi Kappa Alpha ... also ... throws ... a Bahamas Party ...
While on the subject of Greek letter names, I have a special suggestion for Chi Alpha Christian Fellowship: Why not incorporate your proclivity for the Bible into your name and call yourselves Chi Alpha Nu Testament? Or you could join forces with Phi Gamma Delta ("Fiji") and be known as FeeJesus. Just some thoughts.
For first years who aren't interested in going to frat parties on weekends, there are plenty of alternatives. For example, you could sulk in your dorm room for hours on end. Everyone else, remember one thing: The weekend begins Thursday and ends Sunday -- that's Sunday, May 20th, to be clear.
Answer to Weekly Riddle #27: Carefully extract the peanut crystal from the chocolate stopwatch and generate an electromagnetic charge by rubbing it between your fingers. Compress the nougat into a dense spherical mass and set it above the charged peanut crystal so that it hovers and revolves in mid-air. Dissociate the caramel bonds by gently scraping the cocoa wristband along the sole of your shoe. Now dunk everything you see in front of you into the milk and drink it. Finished? Good. Do you feel a burning sensation in the back of your throat? Right, I can explain that. See, while you were busy messing with the "peanut crystal," I took the liberty of poisoning the milk because I didn't have the heart to tell you that there is no rational solution to this riddle. Sorry, dude -- you're dead.
Dan's column runs each Wednesday. He can be reached at dooley@cavalierdaily.com.
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