Wait! Did I hear someone say "Freshman 15?" Run for your lives!!!
Okay, calm down for just a second and listen. Look, we're going to be perfectly honest, you're going to gain the 15 pounds. Sure, maybe you say you're going to go to the gym to work out and you're only going to eat fruits and vegetables, but we have just one word for you: "Bulls***!!" And a few more words: "Vegetables are for wusses."
So instead of slaving away and trying really hard to develop an eating disorder that suits you best, just don't do it. Accept the fact that you're going to resemble a beached whale by the time you leave for summer break.
Now, take a deep breath -- fill those soon-to-be fatty lungs with air -- and listen to us as we tell you how obesity can become of the best decisions that you'll make in your life (second only to choosing Luvs over Pampers -- you'll love 'em, or your money back). You still want to know how? Well then stop asking questions and just read! Hey, sorry about that exclamation point. That was uncalled for. Please don't turn the page. I love you, okay?
Now read!
Three Sure Reasons You'll Enjoy Looking like Ralphie Mae's Body Double:
1. You'll really impress the pants off Mr. Jefferson by working out more than the recommended two hours a day.
You will no longer need to worry about working up a good sweat at the gym because tying your shoes via the bunny-ear method will already have you pouring buckets from your lower back. You'll actually be in much better shape than everyone else, since your daily activities of reading, chewing, talking, sighing and -- if you get really good, thinking -- should give you quite a strain of a workout.
2. You'll be able to shop 'til you drop.
Since you'll be getting bigger and bigger, you'll new more and more new clothes.
Now, the maternity section is always getting new styles in because hip moms are in and lame moms are out. Lucky for you boys, maternity clothes can be worn unisex style, just make sure you don't get those T-shirts that say, "Something's in the oven" with an arrow pointing down. Though if you've ever wanted to be like the Governor himself, now you can. Ever heard of the movie "Junior"?
Wait ... is ... is that Hollywood calling? "Oh, why hello, Hollywood. Yes, s/he's right here. Pick up the phone (insert name here), it's for you."
3. You'll have a ball role-playing the Rotunda and being the anchor of the University of Virginia.
In the wake of recent (and by recent, we mean last year) crises, you may be thinking, "Gee, I hope I don't get hit by a hurricane or tornado and have everything destroyed." Have no fear, for now that you are 100 pounds overweight, nothing is going to be able to move you! Although all your friends may end up in Kansas or Kazakhstan, you'll still be around, and that's a good thing -- a very good thing -- since all their Plus Dollars will have to trickle down to you. Then you can just buy the C-3 store and eliminate the need to change locations when switching from napping to snacking.
Well look, we hope we've convinced you that obesity is the way to go. Robert Frost once said, "I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Now you probably will be on the road less traveled since other people won't be able to fit on the sidewalk with you, but that's not the point here. The point is that, whether you like it or not, you're going to get fat. So, we're expecting to see you in the dining halls; we'll be the ones trying to squeeze into the booth.
Natasha Vaynblat and Polina Rovner are Health & Sexuality columnists. They can be reached at secondthought@cavalierdaily.com.
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