Insanely jealous of the political bloggers who got to appear on CNN's midterm election coverage, I've made it my goal to become the next big blogging bombshell. I created my own blog and, within a few hours, I had already updated over 300 times. I figured the more updates I had, the more likely I was to show up on CNN's radar via a Google search. Here's a few samples from my blogging venture:
Hello, political world! I just went and voted. It is raining outside, but I believe in the democratic right to vote, so I went to vote. I love voting!
Hi! Many of you have asked who I voted for. Though none of you have left comments on my blog, nor have you e-mailed me, I am a good blogger and I understand the needs of my audience. My options were a sexist and a racist. My vote was inspired by the thought, "Which do I hate more, being a woman or being a minority?" Deciding that my life would be easier if I were a white man, I thought of the most attractive white man I knew and wrote him in. Mmm Hugh Hefner.
Hello, fellow bloggers! The poll results are starting to come in. CNN is projecting the winner in many races with only 2 percent of districts reporting. I am convinced they know something I don't. That is like predicting what Britney Spears is going to wear and only knowing 2 percent of her wardrobe. I guess there are some safe bets in the elections, however, just like there are safe bets in real life. For example, I don't need to know 2 percent of the American public's opinion to predict that Britney will probably drop her baby on its head or accidentally leave it in a car seat on top of her car. Some things are just a given.
Hey! CNN is starting to ask its bloggers to predict what is going to happen tonight. Based on my expertise and the fact that I haven't graduated college yet, I am confident that my predictions will be fairly accurate. Though a nail-biter and an election I know many Democrats were nervous about, I am sure Hillary Clinton will win reelection. Perhaps it is her commanding haircut or perhaps it is her form-fitting outfits or even perhaps the presence of her insanely attractive husband (I'd be his Monica any day), but Hillary should have no problem winning her election. Another prediction I have for the midterm elections is that more states will ban gay marriage. Historically, when there are problems in the world, people like to blame minorities. Since America is running out of racial minorities to blame (not to mention America is running out of money to deal with the lawsuits resulting from the blame game), the country is turning to other kinds of minorities. Gay marriage killed the dinosaurs! Gay marriages hate freedom!
Hello! The more I think about blaming racial minorities, the more I think about the problem of the illegals. Illegal immigrants are ruining this country for everyone! Building a fence is not enough. The comparison that has been making its rounds in recent days is, let's ask Berlin and China about the effectiveness of building big walls to keep people out. What America should be doing is making plans to build a big moat around the country. And then fill that moat with alligators and stingrays and sharks.
The ironic thing is, the government will probably give a no-contest contract to some big corporation who will hire hundreds of illegal immigrants to dig this moat because "the illegals" can be paid $2 an hour. The government can solve all its problems by proposing a new policy: You want to be able to marry? Dig this moat! Then, if the moat fails, gay marriage definitely caused illegal immigration. Deport everyone you don't like.
Hello! CNN has yet to contact me about appearing in its blogging café for the 2008 election, but I will not give up just yet. Perhaps they need me to make more election commentary. Nancy Pelosi, girlfriend, I know that is not your real hair color. James Carville, even though you remind me of the crypt-keeper, you are inexplicably attractive to me. I <3 Weed.
Hello! To clarify, I meant Al Weed, not marijuana. Marijuana is a serious problem that is plaguing our nation, and you know where it comes from? You might've said gay marriage, which is a pretty close guess. The actual answer is Canada. Let's start building that moat!
Winnie's column runs bi-weekly on Thursdays. She can be reached at winnie@cavalierdaily.com.
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