I casually walk into Student Health and approach the receptionist.
Me: Hi, ma'am! I'm here to see a qualified medical practitioner regarding my damaged anterior cruciate ligament. Here is a referral from the hospital, which specializes in ACL injuries. The doctors left an incredibly exhaustive list of instructions on the referral for your benefit.
Receptionist: Well, hello there young lady! Why don't you go ahead and put on this face mask -- we don't want you getting other folks sick, now do we!
Me: I... what?
Receptionist: There's a good girl.
Me: I'm a dude.
Receptionist: (giggles sheepishly) Oh, you kids! Why don't you have a seat right over there, Dr. Kepowski will be right with you.
Me: Fine.
I shuffle over to my seat, finding Highlights to be the only palatable magazine on the nearby table. An hour later:
Dr. Kepowski: Ms. Collins?
Me: What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm not a girl.
Dr. Kepowski: Well, let's not be too hasty here. We'll do some experiments and let science give us the answer, mmmmk?
Me: Whatever. I tore my ACL two days ago. I need a prescription. The hospital forgot to give me one. Can you help me out?
Dr. Kepowski: Of course we can! We're doctors, after all. Please step into my office.
Me: It's about time.
Dr. Kepowski: If you don't mind I'll just take a quick look-see after you've taken a seat up on the bench here.
I hop up on the bench.
Me: So yeah, I was playing some b-ball at the AFC when I set up a screen and slipped on some swea-
Dr. Kepowski: Well, this is interesting! It looks like you've got a little bundle of joy on the way! Congratulations! You don't need an ultrasound. I've never been surer of anything in my life. I'll write the prescriptions you'll need: Levitra, Viagra, Percocet, what else...
Me: You... you're kidding. I already told you. My ACL. I just need a stupid painkiller prescription.
Dr. Kepowski: Your ACL, eh? What does that stand for, anyway -- Always Complaining Loser? Heh heh heh. That's a good one. Remind me to write that one down and send it to The New Yorker.
Me: I see the medicine cabinet over there. Can I please just go grab some Vicodin and be on my way?
Dr. Kepowski: Vicodin, eh? What are you, some kind of drug dealer? I'm just kidding. Of course you can have your painkillers. Let's just do some X-rays and conduct a blood test to make sure that everything else is hunky-dory.
The doctor draws a quick vial of blood from my arm and performs a few X-rays.
Dr. Kepowski: Now you just sit tight here. I saw you finished the crossword puzzles in Highlights magazine, so here's Cat Fancy for the wait.
Five hours later...
Dr. Kepowski: Well, it looks like we're looking at some pretty dour news for you, Ms. Collins. I'm sorry, but you've only got about fifteen hours to live.
Me: (speechless, weeping gently)
Dr. Kepowski: I know, I know. It's tough. Wait -- hold on, I misread your profile here. It's actually fifteen hours until "Mythbusters" comes on TV. My bad.
Me: (sniffling) How can you live with yourself? You're a monster.
Dr. Kepowski: Sue me. I'm only human. In any case, I discovered in the X-rays that you have a torn ACL. Here's some Vicodin. It's on the house.
He tosses me the pills. Simply astounding.
Dr. Kepowski: You're gonna want to stay off that leg for a few weeks. Pick up some crutches on the way out.
Me: So what in God's name was that whole thing back there? Why'd you wait six hours to give me what I needed?! You can't just play games with people's lives here!
Dr. Kepowski: You know, Brendan, we all have quirks. You enjoy basketball; I enjoy manipulating people and treating them like poop. Now be on your way.
Receptionist: Have a good afternoon, young lady!
Brendan is a Cavalier Daily Life columnist. His column runs weekly on Mondays. He can be reached at collins@cavalierdaily.com.
Read More
How study abroad taught me to stop studying
By Grace Scott | 4 days agoTurns out, it took attending one of the most prestigious universities in the world for me to realize there's more to life than studying.
Collyn Clark reflects on Space Workforce 2030, building an inclusive space industry
By Carly Stender | 6 days agoClark said programs such as the SWF 2030 internship can serve as launch pads for a career in the aerospace industry.
The White Spot: an iconic diner etched in student nightlife
By Alexa Graham | May 7, 2024The White Spot is a timeless diner for Charlottesville residents and students looking for a greasy spoon infused with University spirit.
