My original intention was to write an epic poem for my column this week -- or, at least the first 700 words or so. But, man, you have to give Homer and Milton some credit -- epic poems are harder to write than one might expect. First you need a hero, and it is hard to find one these days traipsing around Grounds, saving helpless children trapped under cars or boulders.
I had to ask myself, what is a hero? What would be the qualifications one would have to meet to be called an epic hero? Well, that is easy: good looks and a natural charm. Thinking of good looks and natural charm is always a sure way to veer off-track and get distracted I think Disney heroes are a much more interesting topic than epic poems. As much as I really enjoy reading about what qualifies a piece of writing to a certain genre, my free time is better spent daydreaming about those perfect cartoon men -- always handsome and never enduring a bad hair day. Sadly, a person can only live in the Disney bubble for so long. There comes a day in every girl's life when she realizes that the average guy cannot carry her in his arms over a doormat, let alone take her flying on a magic carpet.
On the female side of Disney, I scorn the heroines with contempt. If Jasmine's eyes were proportioned on my head the way they are on hers, my eyeballs would be the size of small dinner plates. Hot. I know someone who thinks Nala from the Lion King is pretty fine. I guess she does have a cute smile and spunk about her ... if you are into that sort of thing.
There is a Facebook group called "Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love." As soon as I saw that tempting "5 of your friends joined the group Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love," I joined and was united with other young women who once thought love would strike them on the beach where (after transforming from a finned to legged creature) they would meet a man who would be so enraptured with their beauty that any inability to speak -- or strange habit of communicating with crabs named Sebastian -- would be no obstacle.
Disney love stories also made me think that stalking was okay. Ariel swims laps around Eric's ship and watches him from below as he dances. Mulan dons an intricate costume and goes undercover. Nala travels across the African wilderness only to watch Simba creepily from the bushes. The last time I donned a man costume and hid in the bushes to gaze upon my dear unsuspecting crush, I spent the night in a jail cell. I had no idea that bursting out with "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" after I tackled someone -- who I hadn't seen for years -- to the ground and trying to kiss him was restraining-order material.
To move on to another topic besides the obvious negative sides of stalking, Disney has other unrealistic aspects besides the love stories. Have you ever wondered how Gaston actually managed to eat five dozen eggs in one day without dying? No wonder we have an obesity problem with the colossal calorie-consuming example he sets. How does Aladdin's hair never really move even though he is going at least 30 mph on that carpet? Also, why does Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, not get the girl? All of the other underdogs who seem unfit as lovers (the wayward Tramp, the uncouth Tarzan or the bland and personality-less Prince Charming) get the girls. These things have never made sense to me.
Disney certainly, as that Facebook group so poignantly expresses, gave me unrealistic expectations about love. This could be because magic doesn't actually exist, and cartoon men can't have acne, but it is also because no one ever really falls in love with a big hairy beast -- especially one who has a dreadful (and not GQ-worthy) goatee tied up in a bow.
Maggie's column runs biweeekly Fridays. She can be reached at jones@cavalierdaily.com.
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