My devoted readers have probably noticed that my column has not run recently. Mom, Dad: the wait is over! I'm back in print. Last week's column was edited because of potentially offensive content that may have lacked taste. It was about Spring Break. This week's column is about sunglasses. As in simple, protective eyewear.
Curious Inquirer, raising hand eagerly: Protective? Like, protective against chlamydia and crabs and SARS and other crazy #$@% people catch on Spring Break?!
Austin: I spent Spring Break apprenticing for the abbot of a monastery in western Tibet. I don't even know what those words mean.
Recent sunshine has led to more sunglasses around Grounds. What form the sunglasses take, however, varies widely. Today, I will organize all the different styles to choose from.
(Before continuing with this column, it should be a prerequisite that you read at least one story from a legitimate news source. No, ESPN.com does not count. I know, I had Davidson going even farther, too. Four No. 1 seeds in the Final Four kind of makes you reconsider your place in the universe. But the elections are in nine months and considering your constitutional right to drunkenly buy porn while smoking a cigarette, general knowledge of the candidates' stances on issues seems like a fair requirement.)
That Kid from Earlier: I write CNN.com.
Austin: Here's an analysis of sunglasses.
Oakley wrap-arounds: Often sported by baseball players while playing actual baseball, this style makes you look a little too into the idea of breaking into a dead sprint at any moment -- and being so brash as to require a lack of squinting while doing so.
Natives: A brand favored by campers and the outdoorsy, "They have usually have beards, don't they? Gosh, they always seem to have beards"-type, these rugged glasses look similar to Oakleys. But any Native-wearer would really prefer to take a baseball field and turn it into something else. Like a mountain. Covered with trees and bushes. With bears and deer and owls and stuff. And then take all the beds and stoves and things in his house and haul it onto the mountain that's covered in trees and bears and live there for like nine years.
Sratty Giant Things: These are the "fashionable" (this survey missed my house) glasses that seemingly every girl wears. "Fashionable" is actually slang for "God, I could be a '3' or a 4,' but pop these on and I become a '9' or a '10!' Haha, golly, who's to know?" This style can also result in dudes walking directly past girls they sit with in class, are friends with or sleep directly next to on a nightly basis without having any idea who they are. Wikipedia calls this style "Jackie O's," in reference to the late First Lady who made them famous. Guys call them "A Giant Pump-Fake That Would Make Allen Iverson Envious." Wikipedia also says these shades have now "expanded their demographics to reach adult women throughout the world." Wikipedia fails to mention that these glasses "have also expanded to reach" every other person walking on the sidewalk, leaving the frailest students knocked to the pavement in their wake.
Aviators: You might begin to spontaneously kick everyone's ass all of the time. Wear these as a warning to the general public.
Swimming goggles: The ultimate multitasker.
Ray-Ban Wayfarers with Croakies: This is the most basic, conventional sunglasses style man can possibly buy. Take caution to prevent others from ripping the most basic, conventional sunglass style man can possibly buy from right off your head by securing them with a colored band that will let you wear them around your neck out to bars five-and-a-half hours after the sun has set.
Classic Style with Cheap Bright-Colored Plastic Frames: Party? Where? These? Had 'em since prom.
Of course, in addition to students, professors can also sport a variety of shades. If you encounter one of the more elderly members of the faculty, however, be careful. They are easily identifiable by the post-eye-surgery, box-shaped, giant Solar Shield-style sunglasses they wear, which have often spent the first part of their existence staving off the greenhouse effect. For Brazil. It's difficult for them to move quickly while wearing such cumbersome eye-wear. Just exercise caution and try to avoid decking them with the corner of your Coco Chanels as you zip by.
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