It happens to all guys; and, no, I don’t mean getting kicked in the crotch or being called the “A” word.
You’re sitting in class taking notes. The professor is lecturing; Cabell is stuffy and smells like an armpit. You’re counting down the minutes that seem slower each time you check the clock. Then, the hot classmate who has been the star of your wet dreams turns around and asks for an “extra” pencil, pen or something phallic shaped to borrow. Un-kosher thoughts enter your imagination, but it’s too late. Suddenly, that tingling sensation in the nether regions begins to stir. As you dumbly hand over the writing utensil, your jeans become uncomfortably tight. You begin to sweat; you wish you didn’t wear those triple popped collars and you feel something move between your thighs. Yes, gentleman, (sorry, ladies, you’re ill-equipped) I’m talking about that erection.
An erection begins with something that can cause sexual stimulation — depending on the person, anything from touch, to erotic memories, to food smells to crayons can stimulate an erection. A part of the brain called the paraventricular nucleus sends out a signal that passes through automatic nerves in the spinal cord, the pelvic nerves and the cavernous nerves to reach the corpora cavernosa — two cylindrical tissues inside the penis that function as sponges. Once received, the nerves also release nitric oxide, which relaxes the muscle fibers in the corpora and allows blood to fill in the spaces between the tissues. The increased blood flow expands into the corpora, stretching the surrounding tissue sheath called the tunica. The tunica blocks the veins from draining blood away from the penis, maintaining pressure. When the muscles at the base of the penis contract, blood is prevented from draining, which keeps the erection, well, erect. After orgasm or the end of sexual stimulation, the pathways are reversed; pressure within the corpora drop, forcing the blood out of the arteries and away from the erectile tissue.
Although an erection is natural, walking around on Grounds with the junk out of the trunk can be an embarrassing and a rather uncomfortable experience. An erection can be exposed to dangers like getting caught in tree branches or nicked by a passing bicyclist. When packed together on the trolley, the person in front may not enjoy being poked in the waist by your other head, which might even be considered a UJC violation. Just imagine being expelled from the University or made to participate in community service because of an uncontrollable libido.
Worry not, gents, there are many ways to put Excalibur back in its sheath. No doubt, men since ancient times have tried many techniques, with mixed success. The most obvious technique is to think of something boner-shrinking. Imagining a complex math problem or a C-SPAN presentation is effective. Picturing an elderly relative wrapped in Saran Wrap in provocative positions usually does the trick for me. Thinking of your professor and/or teaching assistant in the same regard could backfire if you secretly have the hots for them and then they ask you to volunteer in front of the class. Another technique is to flex the leg muscles; this helps divert blood flow away from the erection while exercising your calves at the same time. If your head is still in the gutter, try pinching yourself. The pain may help keep things at a — ahem — minimum.
If your lower half is not cooperating and you’re beginning to bruise from continuously pinching yourself, the next option is to hide it. Button-down shirts, long-sleeved sweaters and hoodies are obvious choices. Wearing baggy jeans or khakis also can do the trick; and by sliding your hands into the pockets, you can walk comfortably without anyone knowing the difference. Backpacks, messenger bags or puppies can be strategically placed around the crotch to hide the evidence; people will be more inclined to admire a man-purse rather than your other accessory. Briefs or boxer briefs will keep an erection snug against the body. For the true daredevil, an erection can be gently tucked under a belt or waist band; this presses it against the gut and away from pedestrians. Running shorts and nylon pants should be avoided for obvious reasons.
If the snake is still out of the cage, desperate times call for desperate measures. If possible, turn off the lights to darken the room. Unless your erection glows in the dark, you should be safe. Other options include distracting everyone by shouting, “Look over there! It’s Brangelina!,” and taking the time to hide. Wearing a muu muu also can help conceal everything from the chest down. If all else fails, put your hands in your pockets, stand up slowly and walk with a slightly hunched back like Quasimodo. People will be too occupied judging you to notice any bulge.
Hiding an unwanted erection is one of the most uncomfortable male experiences. Although it’s easy to be proud of one’s endowment, there is no need to flaunt it in public. With these procedures, even a teen boy can become the master of penis disguise.
Alex Truong is a fourth-year College student. He will graduate in May and can be reached at a.truong@cavalierdaily.com.
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