When I realized my column would be running on Valentine’s Day, I knew I had to step up my game. After all, Harris Teeter has been selling pink and red heart-shaped baked goods since Jan. 2, and I knew I’d have to compete with that kind of dedication to this Hallmark-heavy holiday. So when the only potential topics I could come up with were entitled, “An ode to the emotionally unavailable nice guy” and “Why I miss elementary school Valentine’s Day parties,” I knew I needed back up.
Last week I hijacked my weekly catchup with my old Lambeth roommates to complain about how I had absolutely no idea what to write for my Valentine’s Day column. Hilary, my best friend since eighth grade, said Starbucks has a Valentine’s Day cup this year. Since I recently became a Starbucks addict after two of my friends introduced me to Chai Tea Latte, I actually already knew it had, but I couldn’t see how I could write an entire column about a Starbucks cup. Hilary then brilliantly suggested that since Starbucks apparently seems to think Valentine’s Day is worthy of its own cup, Valentine’s Day is clearly on the same level of importance as Christmas and therefore needs its own carol: the 12 Days of Valentine’s Day.
Hilary also told me these should be my new standards when looking for a date, and I should settle for nothing less. And I really can’t argue with that. So if after reading this you feel as though you can meet my standards of what I expect for (all 12 days of) Valentine’s Day, please contact or Facebook-stalk Hilary Jensen for an initial screening because, as the Spice Girls so profoundly put it, “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”
So without further ado, with the help of the ladies formerly of Lambeth 465-3, I give you the 12 Days of Valentine’s Day:
On the first day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: dinner on top of the Eiffel Tower. We’ll start out easy since it really is impossible to screw this one up – as long as you can get reservations – because the last time I was on top of the Eiffel Tower, I was 15 and awkward. This time when we go, the photo-op won’t include braces or a People to People Student Ambassadors lanyard around my neck.
On the second day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: two Mediterranean Cruises. I don’t get tan fast enough for one to be sufficient.
On the third day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: three dates with Joe Harris. I will accept more than three dates with number 12, but since he makes it rain threes on the court I figured it was a lucky number. Joe, if you’re actually reading this, my email address is listed at the bottom of this column.
On the fourth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: four Bahamian islands. Charlotte Casiraghi got her first island when she was 5. I’m 21 and I still don’t have one. But you can choose which ones. I’m not picky.
On the fifth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: five boxes from Tiffany’s. Please note, giving a “box full of air” to someone like my sister did to me Christmas 2003 is especially cruel when it’s Tiffany’s blue.
On the sixth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: a six-song minimum private concert with a shirtless Zac Efron. If as a potential suitor you feel threatened by Zac, Google “Zac Efron on Summerland” to feel better about yourself.
On the seventh day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: seven Swedish massages – one for each day of the week. And no, I will not accept massages from the AFC.
On the eighth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: eight pairs of Louboutins. Red soles for Valentine’s Day, duh. Size seven please.
On the ninth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: nine appointments with a personal shopper. I will accept Bendel, Bergdorf Goodman or Saks. Like I said before, I’m not�picky.
On the tenth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: 10 bottles of champagne. The most expensive kind you can find. Flown in from France.
On the eleventh day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: an 11-month lease on a Bugatti. Bonus points if it comes with a personal driver named James, so I finally have an excuse to say, “Home, James” in my daily life.
On the twelfth day of Valentine’s Day my true love gave to me: 12 months worth of the Godiva 18-piece Truffle Box. I don’t think this one needs much explanation, because chocolate is a girl’s best friend.
Total estimated cost of the 12 Days of Valentines Day: $10,385,060.27.
But, one date with me: priceless.
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