People often complain about the overuse of the word “love” and how this leads to the loss of the weight it’s supposed to carry – and this is probably true. But it’s the word “friend” I think has gone through a similar, if not worse, transformation into meaninglessness.
The definition of who is your “friend” has been stretched to fit both the person who always notices when you are in a bad mood, and the person you know you can’t trust but have fun being around. It refers to both the people you can count on to be there every time you call mid-meltdown, and the person who may or may not text you to go to a party with them Friday night. It refers to the people who are genuine friends and those who are just there out of convenience.
People say in college you will make lifelong friends – and I don’t doubt that – but I can’t help but feel like the atmosphere is not entirely conducive to forming such deep bonds. Sure, you are constantly around people your own age – but how many times does it feel like you have to do a sort of “friend-dating” to get to know someone? At what point is it acceptable to move past, “What are you majoring in? How was your weekend? Are you in any clubs?”
If you don’t have class with someone, and you don’t do a regular activity with them, it is likely the only way you are going to be able to get to know them is by getting lunch. And after getting lunch once, when is an acceptable time to ask to get lunch again? How normal is it for you to just say, “I like you, let’s be friends?”
And once you do know someone well, then there is housing. That is taking a whole extra step in your relationship; you basically have to propose – not to mention the whole online-dating scene for first-year roommates.
I never know if people I have had a random class with or who I may have met once will remember me – and as a result I am constantly doing the look-down-at-my-phone-and-avoid-eye-contact maneuver. Or maybe I do know the person, and I really just don’t feel like having one of those awkward and broken, “Hi, how are you…(trail off in the distance),” conversations as I am walking past.
I have all of these sentiments on a regular basis, and then I stop to think, “Why am I like this?” Why is it so bad to go out of my way to schedule lunch or say hi to someone who may not remember me? Maybe I am just an introverted person – but I don’t think that is entirely it. I think it is because I get too caught up in my hectic schedule to remember true friendship and personal contact is really the pinnacle of every important moment of our lives. I am too ready to settle for the stretched-out meaning of friendship, and don’t spend enough time trying to find what the word itself should really mean.
After all, what would have happened if I neglected to spend time with the people who I value most, or if one of us had never taken the initiative to introduce ourselves? My life would have been radically changed.
They say when you get to college, you can only choose two: a social life, sleep or school. It is certainly difficult to have all three, and for me – probably more than most – sleep is a definite priority, unless there is a true crisis. But as I get overwhelmed with the four novels I am simultaneously supposed to be reading and begin to view every minute gone by as a page less read, it becomes more difficult to remember the value of these personal connections.
Maybe scheduling lunch with a friend more often or taking more time to talk to my roommates will mean finishing even less reading for one of my classes, but I am learning to accept that. I don’t want to settle for working hard during the week and playing hard on the weekend with no time to actually sit down and have a quality conversation with someone. There should be an in-between – one which has more to do with love and friendship, in the truest meaning of the words, and not just the stretched-out and wrinkled versions.
Kelly’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at k.seegers@cavalierdaily.com.
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