It wasn’t a big deal at first. I missed a couple emails from my RA, a few messages from Teresa Sullivan and several mediocre Crate & Barrel promotional discounts. You know, nothing serious. But then important things started to fall through the cracks: unread emails from my professors, neglected job offers and really impressive Crate & Barrel promotional discounts. I could have bought four rustic candle holders for $28. What would I do with four rustic candle holders? It doesn’t matter now. Opportunities like that only come around once in a lifetime.
At my worst, I had 6,782 unread emails. In fairness to me, 300 of these were from Victoria’s Secret. And there were another 300 emails from Victoria’s Secret forwarded to me from my mom. Every time I got an email claiming I could receive a free bra I got a duplicate from my mom commenting, “Did you see this??? FREE BRA!” Thanks, Mom.
The number of unread emails was embarrassing. But at that point it was beyond my control. They just kept coming. There was no way out. This is life in the 21st century; we get cool things like online shopping so we have to deal with terrible things like improved communication. I stopped signing into Gmail because I thought I would find something regrettable in the sea of bolded titles. It’s like when you check your mailbox in the summer and you know there’s a beehive in the mail slot so you try to grab the paper really quickly but then bees start to fly out so you drop the paper and run inside. Is that a relatable feeling? Have you ever voluntarily reached into a beehive?
Anyway, it was overwhelming. But last week I looked at the number “6,782” in the little red notification box on my Gmail app and thought, “Wow. I am dumb and lazy.” After this intense moment of introspection, I read 6,682 emails. I deleted 95 percent of my inbox. It took four hours. But sometimes, in life, you have to review 500 emails from Nordstrom. You have to remove yourself from the women’s rugby listserve. You have to tell your grandma to stop sending you chainmail.
Today, I have 130 emails and four unread messages. Just like a normal person. I don’t want to sound too self-congratulatory but I feel like I have my life together for the first time in my college career. Classmates will ask me if I got their email about the group project and I can honestly tell them, “Yes! I did read that email. I just didn’t care enough about our group project to email you back.”
Nancy Bradshaw is a Humor writer.
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