In the 1982 documentary "All by Myself," Eartha Kitt is asked: “If a man came into your life, wouldn’t you want to compromise?” She cackles and responds, “Stupid.” We cannot all be Eartha Kitt (I have tried, but the DMV said you can’t change your first and last names at the same time). But maybe this Valentine’s Day we should try to emulate her, to get a fat slice of that sweet and unapologetic self-love.
Too often I meet extraordinary girls, smart and funny and charming, who, by some “Family Guy” logic, date schmucks. This is not to say every guy is a shmuck (99 percent is technically not “all”), nor do I mean to say that it’s the responsibility of a woman to address her boyfriend’s schmuck-ness. But I just want to make it clear to every girl and gay here: If you don’t like your partner, you don’t have to date him. Every time you forgive your partner for ignoring you or saying something rude about your friends, or if you decide to text him again after having set a boundary for yourself, sweet old Eartha Kitt rolls over in her grave. Keep in mind who is #1: it’s Eartha Kitt. But don’t forget that #2 is number You, and you deserve better than to be dragged down by slobbering #3s and #4s.
You know why Nicki Minaj is so filthy rich? Because she never let herself get drawn into a relationship in which she didn’t share control. She teases the dudes in Young Money but keeps her eyes on the prize, not the guys. Ruth Bader Ginsburg never fooled around with Scalia, you can bet on that too, and look at how cool and smart she is today. Sylvia Plath, on the other hand, made excuses for her husband, who was abusive and unfaithful; he did not support her during her suicidal crisis, and burned her diary to boot. Don’t make excuses for your partner. If you catch yourself thinking, “I need to be reasonable about this,” just stop what you’re doing and resolve never to act on that thought again. “Be reasonable” is not your own thought. It’s someone else (likely some schmuck) talking through your head. Reasonability in relationships is the same as respectability in politics: It’s a way to keep people from getting angry and demanding what they need. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need: This day, and every day, is about you.
And it’s fine to be sad on Valentine’s Day. If you joke that you’re just gonna eat pizza and chocolate and watch Netflix, then absolutely do those things. That sounds awesome. Who wants some dude poking you with his boner halfway through “The Pelican Brief?” Not me. Take a night off. Light a fancy candle and teach yourself some cool knife tricks. And if you have some extra time, astral project into 2019, when you have an awesome job and your booty game is nigh fatal. But, assuming you are partnered this V-Day, let’s think critically about what your other half is giving you. When your man comes over with a two-buck Chuck and a heart-shaped box, odds are you’ll say, “He’s so sweet!” But he’s not sweet. You know what is sweet? The female orgasm. And from the looks of your hubby, I’d bet he couldn’t tell a clitoris from a clarinet. If his romantic ambition ends at the Corner Grocery, he probably ends at the three-minute mark. And when evaluating your lover, use this lesson in etymology. The word “passion” comes from the Latin word for “suffering.” Keep this in mind before subjecting yourself to another night of dreary, one-sided love-making. If there is no blood on the sheets, it does not count as sex.
You, good reader, may ask what my plans are for this break. Unfortunately I will be in the great state of North Carolina for a conference. But thanks to the Internet, my boy-toy and I will Skype to our heart’s content. And if you think we can’t manage to infringe upon a sodomy law, a public decency law, as well as the Geneva Convention itself before we log off, you are sorely mistaken. And that’s the definition of romance.
So don’t compromise this V-Day. There are nearly 22,000 people our age at the University, and therefore there’s absolutely no reason to spend another gritty night in Kyle’s frat house, or let Dave use your nice toothpaste because he has chapter in the morning. Kick the schmucks to the curb. And if you would like an affirmation, here’s Eartha’s relationship goal: “I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me.”
Drew Kiser is a Humor writer.
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