Editor's Note: This is a humor column.
It’s no secret that the University is a school steeped in tradition — and secrets. Our rich history, which is ALWAYS acknowledged and NEVER ignored, places the University at the crux of American cultural heritage. But at what point is the old TOO old? When does history become, frankly, overrated? In the wake of so many administrative changes, it may finally be time to transition away from traditions of the past, and focus on a brighter future ahead with five brand new traditions.
1. Feet on Friday
Ever feel like you’re a paper bag drifting through the wind? It’s no secret that school can be disorienting, regardless of year, age, occupation or niche club involvement. In the midst of all this academic and extracurricular stress, it’s important to stay grounded — literally.
Research shows that ripping off those fugly Golden Geese and removing Rainbow flip flops can actually reduce inflammation and boost mental wellness. This year, let us all reassess our ostentatious taste in footwear, and truly engage with Grounds, on the ground. To take this a step further, I suggest everyone spend the entire Friday shoeless, whether to class, to Bodos or to Vom Mart. They redid the floors, so you should be all set!
2. Dining hall food fight
Speaking of vom — raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by Newcomb dining hall. I’m raising my hand. That post-lunch post-Newcomb Starbucks bathroom run is a tale as old as time. A tradition, one might say. An old tradition. So old, so antiquated, that the subject is rather clichéd — to which I will respond by not talking about the quality of the food, but rather its utilitarian properties. In particular, the ways in which it can be used to take down those campus characters that always seem to be lurking. So, in the spirit of taking down the opps, it’s time to let the food fly. Bonus — if you go barefoot, the chaos would be even more delectable.
3. Streak McCormick Road
Some of you are Veo-ing to class — or to the Corner — a little too often. And I KNOW not all of you are athletes. How about hitting those steps instead? Check your Apple Watch. Because anyone who’s crossed the lawn post-midnight of late has seen enough to know Hoos speedy and Hoos not. In the wake of Jim Ryan’s absence, it's understandable that we’ve lost our once-weekly incentive to hit cardio. To compensate for the lack of Jim, and gym, in our lives, I suggest we take a hard right at the Rotunda and turn towards something more rewarding. Behold, streaking the street. This year, we’re taking a longer run all the way down McCormick towards O-Hill, and, you guessed it, all the way back.
4. Storm Scott Stadium Every Single Game
Money may be down, but football is up. If the overtime win versus Florida State taught us anything, it's that we can, in fact, pack Scott and stay past halftime. That fateful night was testament to what we can accomplish when we show up and show out. So forget wins. Forget losses. The days of making a halftime Irish exit are no more — this year, we’re saving the best for last. That’s right, we’re storming Scott every game, rain or shine, win or lose. The louder and more obnoxious, the better. Win against Wake Forest on family weekend? Bring your uncs and storm the field. Win against a mid-at-best Virginia Tech? Show them we can’t be defeated. Let’s keep this good energy going.
5. Rotunda Raid
Unsatisfied with the current state of University politics? Are you tired of the Board of Visitors making every wrong call? Do you just want Jim back in office? This year, let's take inspiration from our most respectable activists in Washington, circa 2021, and raid the Rotunda. While this may not be a real tradition, it certainly has precedent! And everyone will remember for a long, long, time, and be very fearful of the instability that ensues! Talk about leaving your mark. Jim was Great and Good. Now, let’s be badder and worser.
From traditions to the University administrations’ political donations going to a single party, we’re all tired of the same old same old — particularly the pretentious lingo U.Va. likes to pretend is not a thing at any other school. And let’s not forget the all strangely named frats that are more cult-like than Greek life. If you’re fed up like I am, this is your sign to join the movement. Be a pioneer. Streak McCormick. Monkey covering eyes emoji, thanks!
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