Do you feel left out when everyone races to play Super Smash Bros. and yells at tiny things bouncing around a screen for three hours?
Do you feel alone and unloved because you can’t keep up a conversation with that cute guy about optimizing his Lee Sin jungle rotation?
Are you going into a dry spell for the next six months because “Fallout 4” just came out and your significant other cares more about virtual people in their 50s getting cancer than about your genitals?
I’m here to say you’re not alone. In fact, in olden times, they say gamers were the minority, and traditional societies would subject these misanthropes to ritual shamings involving their hair and toilets somehow. Now, though, it seems to be cool to be “l33t,” and you’d better get with the times! Hi, I’m Dr. Alex Griffith. I’ve been studying gamers for over 20 Google searches, and I’m ready to pass on my knowledge. Keep reading if you want to unlock the secrets of this mysterious, powerful culture.
Tip 1: Numbers seem to be important to them
Just like you might brag about your grade point average or income in real life, so too do gamers brag about numbers that matter to them. They sure love numbers. Numbers seem to factor into everything they do: numbers for points, numbers for kills, numbers for damage and health, even numbers for games themselves. Who knew a game could have 18 Megabits? I sure didn’t, but now you do, and you can throw that one out there to really impress them. Here’s a couple other good number lines:
“Hey, man, I know what you mean, I’m level 47 in the latest gaming.”
“Sounds like your video box needs at least three more RAM.”
“I once knew a guy with a baker’s dozen damage points.”
Tip 2: Make up gibberish
Let’s be honest, games aren’t that creative, and there’s a lot of them out there. Even the “l33t”-est of game players don’t know quite all of them. Chances are, if you combine a few nonsense violent words, you’ll probably end up with the perfect fake game, where you’re not obliged to know anything about it and no one can play it with you. Just follow my simple formula:
Noun + Plural Noun = Game
For example: “Punch Cats,” “Zombie Wizards,” “Turd Castles.”
If you feel confident, you can move on to a more advanced formula:
Noun + Verb + “-er” = Game
For example: “Drum Banger,” “Leg Dropper,” “Gun Gunner.”
WARNING! Be careful to avoid these fake-sounding games, they are actually real, and someone might call you out: “Watch Dogs,” “Street Fighter,” “Jazzpunk,” “Shovel Knight,” “Blood Bowl,” “Gunpoint,” “Samurai Gun,” “Gun Rocket,” “GunWorld,” “Gun Game,” “GunZ 2: The Second Duel,” “GUN,” “Star Wars.”
Tip 3: Learn the lingo
The hardest part of interacting with a gamer is getting a sense for what the noises that come out of their mouths mean. I’ve taken the time to translate, as best I can, these strange ullulations into our language. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to fake this: you’re going to have to either memorize them, or copy these onto your arm for sly conversation peeks.
L33t: Elite; the state of being ranked above others in skill.
N00b: Newbie; the state of being ranked below others in skill.
Pwn: There is no English equivalent. Pronounced “poh-wun” or “pewn,” depending on how weird you feel like talking, it refers to someone being soundly defeated.
Pr0n: Prawn. Like a shrimp, but larger.
AFK: Away from keyboard. Keyboards become like family to a true gamer. To be away from one’s keyboard is like being away from a child.
BRB: Big rockin’ booty. For instance, in the phrase “BRB 5 min,” a gamer is telling its friends that it will look at pictures of buttocks for five minutes. In the phrase “BRB, dinner,” well...
Haxx: Hacks. Someone who specializes in chopping attacks, generally with an axe.
Haxxorz: Hacks ores. Someone who specializes in chopping rocks, generally with an axe.
Gratz: Pro gratis. Gamers often offer their services for free, as their services are playing video games.
GTFO: Get the Fire Off. Gamers do not enjoy being on fire.
Scrub: To scrub oneself. Gamers view personal hygiene as weakness.
Wake Up FADC into Mid-Air 3-Frame Ultra with Follow-Through: The “medium punch” button in a fighting game.
▲▲▼▼◄►◄►BA: The Da Vinci Code.
That’s it, folks! Join us next week when I, Dr. Alex Griffith, will teach you how to talk to an equally hip, sexy, socially intimidating group: the elderly.
Alex Griffith is a Humor writer.
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