While the feeling of being alone in a crowd seems cliché, there are times when it is very much a reality. When people our age refer to being lonely, it is a type of lonely entirely different from the physical loneliness our grandparents experience. They face a physical sense of loneliness, in which they have seen their children grow, leave home and start families of their own. Suddenly, they are met with only occasional visits from the very people whom they have nurtured since birth. But we, as college students, practically live with our friends. Can we ever say that we are lonely and actually mean it?
The way I see it, for people our age, being lonely is a state of mind. I have always liked to do things by myself, but that was always because I rely on no one as much as I rely on myself. While this is simply an aspect of my personality, there is also a social aspect. Being the new kid, as I have been many times, is always an awkward journey when you’re trying to find your ground and your anchors — in other words, your friends. As a result, you find yourself floundering about, flitting from person to person and having half-hearted conversations before realizing that in this sea of people, you still feel like an island.
There are times when I find myself completely free on a Tuesday night, and I realize I’ve hardly seen my friends because I’ve been so busy for so long. Those odd weeknights are when I feel most alone and don’t know the first thing to do with myself. It is highly unlikely that anyone else is free to meet and spend time, so I fill my time texting people — but it is a poor substitute for actually talking to someone face-to-face. I am a college student on Grounds, the liveliest place within a 50-mile radius, yet my only companion is a series of words on a screen. I find it difficult to think of an activity that doesn’t involve me sitting in my room.
Perhaps my dependence on myself has been a downfall — there have been times where I have isolated myself from others simply for the sake of efficiently completing my work. On the rare occasion I study with a friend, I can’t help but think that while we are not even two feet away from each other, we are worlds apart. Our minds are always occupied with our own problems and worries, so much that we have no emotional space to help someone else with theirs.
Being alone together is a mindset that puts up a glass wall between me and the outside world. It is transparent, it lets the sun shine through, it lets you smile at other people, but it doesn’t let anyone inside. I am surrounded by others but caught up in my own worries on constant loop in my mind. I wonder everyday what would help break down this invisible barricade.
In the end, I have realized, it boils down to the fact that while I am the problem, I am also the solution. If being alone is a mindset, it can be undone with a new mindset. I need to take it step-by-step — weening myself off this habit of going solo all the time. I can begin by trying to put myself in the company of others as often as I can, regardless of whether it is just sitting outside on the quad or making that walk to Gooch Dillard to see a friend. Breaking myself out the comfort of this stagnant routine is crucial in achieving a much needed togetherness.
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