The first time I ever visited the Lawn was during Days on the Lawn — a cursory, hectic show put on to tip the wavering student over the edge and finally commit to their home away from home for the next four years. I felt cheated that I couldn’t see what the Lawn was really like. I later reunited with the Lawn during the summer, and it was a barren place until nighttime when gleeful streakers would attempt to convince me to join in on their naked tradition. It wasn’t until I arrived on Grounds in the fall when I saw the Lawn’s true colors and realized some places were more welcoming than others.
I’m not going to get into the deep, complex history of the Lawn or give facts or statistics to bolster how I felt — but it was an uncomfortable and weird feeling like when you go to a friend’s house for the first time or show up to a party too early. This “feeling” eludes any concrete description I can conjure up, but when you’re walking by groups of nicely dressed white guys smoking cigars and drinking on the terraces, or nervously entering auditions and interviews in Lawn rooms for competitive groups, this feeling rises up and overwhelms you. The place didn’t appear to welcome me with open arms, and as a result, I felt the same way toward it. I never understood people who would spend hours on the Lawn, sitting on blankets and talking about U.Va. with overflowing adoration.
Although I didn’t find the Lawn particularly beautiful, there was a memorable day during the second semester of my first year when there was a perfect amount of sunlight and a gentle breeze on the Lawn — I wanted to give it a chance. After suggesting the idea to my group of friends — who like myself, didn’t feel any sort of connection with the Lawn — and subsequently receiving a few pointed jokes, we all decided to sit near Pavilion VII. I remember lying on our backs, looking up at the sky, laughing at everything and feeling a sense of shared ownership of this space with every other person present on the Lawn. And for once, this uncomfortable “feeling” seemed to disappear.
Over time, I have definitely developed more appreciation for this university — its traditions and architecture and the Lawn. To me, the Lawn represents values I can’t always relate to, but it also instills in me the selfish confidence to tell myself that I’m a student here too, and that I deserve to enjoy the Lawn like any other.
This selfish confidence has driven me to experience and get to know the Lawn, its Pavilions and Lawn room residents, which has made it more approachable. However, when friends and I gather on the Lawn for festivities, I wonder if we give off the same vibe that I once felt to current underrepresented or first-year students who walk by feeling lonely and unwelcome. As I make my way through the changing of seasons, classmates and years, eventually walking down the Lawn facing the steps and doors of Old Cabell Hall, my view of the Lawn will inevitably change. But the question I have to ask myself is, will the Lawn have changed or will have I?
Once in awhile I’ll still feel like a stranger, out of place and uninvited, but I view the Lawn much differently now than when I first walked upon its red bricks and green patches. There’s no definitive culprit to blame for this “feeling” I and many other students have for the Lawn, but it’s there and so tangible until one finally decides to give it a chance. And for me, as Robert Frost once said, “that has made all the difference.”
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