1. The glitter bomb
Nothing is more distracting and obnoxious than glitter — it gets everywhere. So if you’re as tired of people trying to force their political opinions down your throat as I am, be sure to keep a solid handful of glitter in your pocket at all times. Then, when it’s clear they’re about to launch into an anger-fueled lecture, throw the glitter in their face and run. Key “go” terms are “Trump,” “Clinton,” “emails” and “bigly.”
2. The boiling water technique
This masochistic option was given by my friend, Elvera. I used the word “debate” and she immediately replied, “dunk my head in boiling water.” An alternative would be to “Game of Thrones” it and dunk your head in molten gold. This is only for those who are rich and have a golden toilet or something. So there you have it. It’s an option — not the best option — but an option. I would like to publicly state that I do not endorse it. Notice how I responsibly chose not to endorse something I knew wasn’t in the public’s interest?
3. The claim of ignorance
There’s an election? What’s an election? What happened to the king? Sorry, I’ve been frozen in a glacier for a couple hundred years and have no idea what’s going on. Boy do I miss the good old days where we had no vote. Please, don’t tell me about your backwards system. Oh you’re going to tell me anyways? Well, go ahead, I guess … *slowly lowers hand into pocket searching for glitter bomb.*
4. The “I’m sorry, we’re breaking up”
Does your Aunt Patricia think that the monthly phone call is the time to talk politics? Well, I guess it’s time for you to get some shoddy service. Make some static noises with interspersed dialogue — “Oh, no … but … our … conversations … I love … miss …” If it works, see if this method can be employed in regular face-to-face conversations. Is someone starting a political argument? “Oh, no … but … your … rant is … so interesting …” Then just slowly back away, all the while maintaining creepy eye contact.
5. The parrot
“You know what I think about the election?”
“You know what I think about the election?”
“No, I just asked you about what I —”
“No, I just asked you about what I —”
“Hey … stop that.”
“Hey … stop that.”
“Son of a —”
*Stomps away in anger.*
6.The thinker
If you have a friend who finds nothing more enjoyable than a good debate, give them some sort of a brainteaser to keep them distracted. Don’t even look up the answer so you can’t cave and tell them. Let them struggle. Let the riddle rattle around in their head for the rest of eternity — or at least until the election is over. For example, what English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters? And, how did Mark legally marry three women in Michigan, without divorcing any of them, becoming legally separated or any of them dying?
7. The cuteness
A good way to completely distract someone is with any type of cute animal. A cat, a dog, a teacup pig — anything cute and small will prompt squealing and baby talk from me. I honestly have no idea how others will react — I just really want to encourage anyone with a teacup pig to come forward. Either way, I can guarantee that the sudden appearance of an adorable pet would make me forget what I was saying.
8. The secret
I stand corrected. There is one thing more obnoxious than glitter. Only one. When a friend says, “I have a secret I really want to tell you,” you can’t help but get a little bit excited to hear what they will divulge. When they follow up your polite encouragement to continue with, “I can’t tell you,” something inside of you dies and suddenly nothing in this world is more important than finding out the secret. Nothing. Not the election. Not the pointlessness of life. Not the fact that you probably left the stove on. Nothing.
9. The drown-out
This method is especially effective in cars. As a driver, you probably don’t want to be throwing glitter, as the AC could cause it to backfire on you. So what is the solution to stopping a political rant in its tracks? Slowly turn the volume of the music up as your friend is speaking. Incrementally, you will not be able to hear them, and blissful, crappy radio music will fill the car. If you aren’t in a car but still need music, headphones always work, but don’t have the added bonus of letting your friend know they need to stop talking.
10. The panic
This one is slightly illegal. I’m 99 percent sure it’s just slightly illegal. It’s hard to come up with 10 ways to do something, okay? But I digress. Let’s just say you’re in a public building of some sort. They all have fire alarms, right? That tempting red handle that makes your hand twitch with the sheer desire to pull it? The one that you’re only supposed to pull if there’s a fire? Pull it. Writer’s note — I also do not endorse this.
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