1. Set things on fire
Nothing keeps you warm like an old fashioned bonfire. Not only do bonfires create a warm and happy atmosphere, but the addition of s’mores is the perfect way to spend any winter night. If one doesn’t have kindling, it’s easy to find alternatives. Just about anything can be set on fire — notebooks … furniture … the apartment … anything!
2. Become a marshmallow
Every year there are hordes of girls braving the cold in nothing but a dress and lightweight jacket. Don’t worry — natural selection will eventually pick them off. If you want to ensure your family line lives on, be the marshmallow. This means wear the ugliest, puffiest jacket you own and wear it proudly — then add some snow boots and snow pants just in case.
3. Beer blanket
I am not technically advocating for drinking until you can no longer feel the cold. I am simply stating it is something I’ve heard works. Nor am I advocating for the consumption of beer. Beer is gross and makes you bloaty and belchy. No one likes to be bloaty and belchy.
4. The hermit life
Step 1: Turn the heat in your house up and keep it there. Step 2: Never leave your warm abode ever again. Ever. Become a comfy yet isolated hermit. Side effects include a large AC/heating bill.
5. Move
Why live in Virginia? I see no reason. It has four solid seasons, and I’m not a fan of two of them. Ideally, you should move to some ridiculously beautiful place that has no concept of snow. If you miss the snow, visit Montana in the winter and realize how foolish you were. Make sure to pat yourself on the back as you return to your tropical paradise and vow never to face the icy evil again.
6. Get a dog
While a dog is harder to hide in apartments that are less than animal-friendly, a cat is not the answer. A dog will love you and sit at your feet at night so you are never cold. A cat will regard you with general disdain and gnaw on your toes until they reach bone. Then they will have a grand old time chewing your hair and creepily staring at you in the dark while you attempt to sleep … so no. No cats.
7. Stand on the steam tunnel grate
Certain spots around Grounds provide immediate warmth, spots conveniently planted so you can reach them between classes. These spots are the steam tunnel grates. A bit smelly? Yes. Do you immediately freeze when you step off the grate? Absolutely. Is there a solution? No, but I will put one forward anyways. I suggest simply standing on the grate until it is warm enough to step off. Please bring a book for entertainment.
8. Find a significant other
The one perk of a significant other is the free pass to cuddle with them and blatantly use them for warmth whenever you want. You can be a warmth thief with zero repercussions. However, not everyone has an SO. If your friend wakes up from a nap to suddenly find you spooning them, well, then that’s how it has to be.
9. Become a seal
I am not implying you actually become a seal, only that you attempt to look like one. Eat. A lot. Eat so much that you develop a nice layer of blubber to protect you from the cold. Not only will you be warmer than your friends, but when you slip on the ice, there will be a lovely cushion of fat for you to land on.
10. Pull a Revenant/Skywalker
Let’s just say you’re stuck in the snow or some sort of tundra-like environment with only a knife/lightsaber to keep you alive. What do you do? The clear answer is to sleep inside the corpse of a recently dead animal. Maybe you went on an ill-fated hike in Shenandoah? Or got lost on the way to class and ended up in the fetal position at the bottom of a hill? One can only hope if a grizzly stumbles upon you, you’re good with a knife.
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