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Clapping on airplanes correlates to safe landings

Have you recently struggled through the life-draining process of flying on a long, cross-country flight, only to have your safe landing marred by the obnoxious lady in seat 17F clapping louder than an Astros fan after Game 7 of the World Series? Well, put your disdain aside, because recent, very scientific (and not at all fake) studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between the clapping which occurs on an airplane and its safe landing.

Even if you have struggled through hours of security lines, the hassles of navigating an airport and the challenges of fitting your legs in the tiny spaces between your seat and the seat in front of you, you should rejoice upon hearing applause on an airplane — even if it is the last thing your tired soul wants to hear. After poring over a multitude of flight data entries, scientists came to the conclusion that every single time someone claps on a plane, the plane lands safely. There were absolutely no recorded entries of anyone cheering or applauding for a plane that did not touch the ground safe and sound. These scientists also concluded that roughly 87.5 percent of plane clappers happen to be an older Caucasian woman named something like “Sheryl,” “Myrtle” or “Janet” who has never flown before but is so excited to “travel the skies” with you. Scientists have discovered side effects of this plane clapping condition, which include putting your hands up like a rollercoaster during takeoff, causing the surrounding passengers to suddenly be enthralled in the usually boring in-flight magazine instead of talking to you and filling the pilot with enough rage that he considers immediately taking off again and throwing you out the window. However, scientists say you must overlook these negative side effects due to the positive correlation clapping on planes provides.

If you’re thinking you might rather have the plane never land safely than to hear someone smack their hands together repeatedly in the weirdest and worst possible setting, then you are not alone. However, despite all of your strongest urges intrinsically coercing you to strap that person down in their seat, set the autopilot for the plane to the moon, and launch that clapper into outer space, you must remain strong and calm. Wouldn’t you rather hear a sound signifying your safety instead of silence indicating ambiguity? If you answered no, then you may align with the 73 percent of people who scientists say would rather have their plane crash than to hear someone clap upon landing. However, there has been a recent push by scientists and activists alike who are calling out the negative treatment of plane clappers, saying that plane clappers “signify goodness and safety, and thus their negative attributes need to be overlooked.” However, these movements have led to some harsh critiques, such as baseball legend Derek Jeter remarking that “clapping on planes is the worst thing to happen to this country since the Boston Red Sox.”