Top 10 ways to avoid tablers

How to escape a true nightmare


1. Learn parkour

The University is home to so many buildings that are relatively close together and hopefully easy to climb. I will admit that this tip isn’t exactly time effective because not everyone knows how to just throw their body around 20 feet in the air and be totally fine with it. But after you learn, think of the endless possibilities in which this skill is applicable. You could avoid foot traffic on the sidewalks, get in a daily workout or join the circus once all your other job options have been exhausted. 

2. Acquire an invisibility cloak

Harry Potter is one lucky guy with that invisibility cloak, even though his parents were murdered, a crazy bald guy keeps coming after him and a creepy old man won’t stop lusting after his aforementioned dead mom. I obviously have a lot to say about this topic, but let’s get back to the problem at hand — the deadly tabler. If you can whip out your own invisibility cloak, think of how easy it would be to walk past them. If getting your hands on an invisibility cloak is too difficult, putting a blanket over your head would almost achieve the same effect. 

3. Scream

I guarantee you no one will try to hand you anything if you scream at the top of your lungs. For added effect, stare them right in the eyes the entire time you walk past. Do not break eye contact. Word will quickly travel about that weird person that screams any time they’re remotely close to tablers, so you’ve pretty much got yourself covered until next year when bright, new faces try to take on your scream of steel. 

4. Fight or flight

If you are truly terrified of tablers, your fight or flight instincts might kick in. This leaves you with only two options — run as fast as you can away from them, or punch them in the face. If social interactions are not anywhere close to your forte, this may be a reality for you, so it’s best to be prepared for this reaction. Either wear sneakers at all times or make sure not to tuck your thumb into your fist during your punch or you will break it. Good luck!

5. Table back

Sometimes, if you want to beat the player, you gotta beat the game. You have to show those tablers who’s boss. Hint — it’s not them. Carry around little papers with information about your favorite topic and hand one to each person as they try to talk to you. The more you know about your topic and the louder you are, the better you will scare off the opposing tabler. It’s basically a Pokémon battle in real life. 

6. Take a phone call

I’d be lying if I said I’ve never put my phone up to my ear and pretended to be on the phone so someone wouldn’t talk to me. You don’t even have to say anything — just look like you’re fully invested in listening to whatever is coming out of your phone. Maybe you’re on hold with your doctor or you’re waiting to hear about a job offer. The possible severity of interrupting an important phone call is enough to keep tablers at bay. If this makes you feel silly, maybe it’s the perfect time to call your mom — I’m sure she’d love to hear from you more than you’d love to hear from a talkative tabler. 

7. Travel underground

I’m not totally sure about the logistics of digging your own underground tunnel, but I’m sure it takes a long, long time. Just look at the movie “The Shawshank Redemption.” Luckily for you, there are already underground tunnels. The steam tunnels are waiting there for you so that you can move around Grounds without talking to anyone. Now that it’s colder outside, you probably won’t overheat down there — but you might be a little stinky when you come out. 

8. Throw things

Let me just say that I never claimed these tips are sensical or practical in any way, but they will get you away from tablers. Do I know the consequences of throwing something at someone? Not at all. Could they run after you or call the cops? Possibly. Could they be so stunned that nothing happens at all? Also a valid possibility. To be safe, make sure you throw something relatively soft, like a tomato, and make sure you can run fast enough away from the scene of the crime so you don’t get caught.  

9. Cry

There is nothing quite as awkward and unsettling for people as seeing someone else crying, especially in public. Crying is considered such a private thing that literally no one knows how to react. We all assume someone else will comfort them or that they don’t want to be bothered, and that is exactly what tablers will think as they look at you bawling past them. Although there are a lot of things to cry about these days — like global warming and a declining GPA — some people still have trouble producing tears. If you are one of these people, there are tear sticks available that make you cry, using a combination of menthol and camphor extracts.

10.  Don’t go outside

Some of these tips require quite a bit of dedication and skill, but this one is so foolproof that anyone could do it — simply don’t go outside. Stay in bed and rewatch “Stranger Things” or catch up on sleep. Think of how free your hands would be without all of those tiny papers they give you. Think of all the interactions you wouldn’t have to deal with. Think of how happy you would be.

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