We can’t even explain how excited we are for you. Father Time gets a twinkle in his eye when he talks about you, and Mother Earth is looking quite round. Even though we knew it was a mathematical inevitability, it’s still so hard to believe that you’re here. We have a lot of high hopes for you — no pressure though! (But we’re really counting on you.) As your older siblings, we decided that we would welcome you into the world by reflecting on everything we’ve learned and giving you our best advice, compiled here in no particular order. Here’s looking at you, kid, and don’t forget that there’s a lot riding on you! (But really no pressure. Just please don’t blow it.)
Love, your siblings,
The Aughts & 2010s
Hi 2019! I guess I just want you to remember to always be very, very careful. With everything, always. Things might seem great — like, so great — and you might want to, I don’t know, issue loans to people who have no chance of paying them back until they amass hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. And then maybe one little thing goes wrong and then you really mess things up for 2008 and 2009 and most of your younger siblings. Just don’t do that, okay? I know, I’m a worrywart. I’m sure student loans are totally different.
The only thing I’ll say is you GOTTA hang out with the Mayans. Super old, I know, but they helped me pull the SICKEST prank. So many people were scared lol. Hope you do something epic bro.
Heyo! 2010s, am I right? I started us off, and now you’re about to finish it! Wow, time files. Just leave me a good legacy, please. As long as you maintain the basics, you’ll be fine. I’m a little stressed, but I’m being positive — it’s not like you’re going to arrive and the whole government will stop operating or something. With your help, I know that we can still be the best decade of this millennium. We’re already ahead — I gave us a way better start than 2000.
Computers are fine. Tell people that computers are fine. The world will NOT end because of computers. Seriously. You don’t want another Y2K — computers are trustworthy. You should be fine though. I’m sure in your time computers won’t be causing any more misinformation, paranoia or fear.
You might not be memorable.
Try to keep up with technology. In my time, global protests really shook things up, and Twitter helped make it happen by connecting people from all over the world. Isn’t that exciting? I have a great feeling that social media will be influencing politics for years to come. :)
I’m so pumped for you! Being a year is probably the best thing ever. You get to bring so much joy to people! Things that people thought would never happen can happen, and YOU get to be the year when it does! You should have seen the look on people’s faces when Obama won. Now that’s change we can believe in!
I’m so, so scared. For you, for me … for all of us. Being a year can be the worst thing you can imagine. You can bring people so much anguish … so much despair. Things that people thought would never happen can happen. And it’s all your fault. You should have seen the looks on people’s faces … Please change. Give us something to believe in.
Okay, look. You’re going to hear a lot about me. Most of it bad. And most of it true. Although some of it fake. (My bad — hard to tell the difference between those two things now.) People will say I was the worst year in a while, or even just The Worst. They’ve already thank u next’d me (they’re welcome for that song, by the way), and now you’re up and you gotta do better. Not to be dramatic, but a lot of people are saying we’re on the brink of the collapse of pretty much everything. Slow down climate change. Give Robert Mueller an extra leap day or something. Delete your social media. Turn your phone screen to black and white, or maybe just black. Do something. Anything. Save us.
Good luck, Charlie! Haha. Life’s good.
Zach Schauffler is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.