1. Write an angry tweet
In today’s digital world, companies are extra responsive to social media complaints. If you can write the perfect sob story — something about how you have 228 Sabre points, your mom helped deliver Kyle Guy or your ancestors came to this country wearing Hoo Crew T-shirts — you can get tickets and get on the national news. If none of that happens, at least writing the tweet will be therapeutic.
2. Start a support group
In times of need, communities must turn to each other. If you know any friends that are in this same predicament, find comfort in your shared experiences. If you have any enemies that are ticketless, use this moment to make truce. Nobody deserves to go through this alone — even the girl who cut you in line at Starbucks.
3. Treat yourself to that thing you want
Be angry on Twitter, but be kind to yourself. You know that one item that looked great on Amazon — the really expensive one that you talked yourself out buying? Buy it. Alleviate your sadness through material pleasure. They say that money cannot buy happiness, but maybe it can buy a distraction.
4. Rack up those Sabre points
I can hear you now — “I already have 90! I have the the most out of anyone I know!” That may be true, but as you must know by now if you’re reading this article, life is not fair. You can be cheering in the front row of the student section one day, and then watching from the inside of a McDonald’s the next. The only way to diminish these odds is to give in and grind up. See below.
5. Become a fan of every sport
Field hockey. Lacrosse. Table tennis. Four square. All of these are real varsity sports at the University — save one or two, but I’ll leave that for you to figure out yourself — and all of these offer Sabre points. Trek out to the sports venues of Grounds, swipe in and sit down. You might just realize how interesting men’s varsity table tennis is. And, if not, at least you got five points.
6. Take a hot shower
This is not just advice for coping with tickets lost — this is advice for coping with everything. Ignore that eco-friendly voice in your head, and take as long a shower as you need. Meditate, pray, shake your fist at the universe — do whatever it takes. After all, it is scientifically impossible to be angrier leaving a shower than you were coming into it.
7. Organize your own pick-up game
Find nine of your closest friends and order 10 jerseys on Amazon — five from U.Va., five from Duke. Give you and your four most athletic friends those beautiful Wahoo jerseys. Toss those drab, Duke colors at the five who need to take a breather after playing Wii tennis. Not only will this be good exercise, it will be the closest you can get to the real thing.
8. Get a watch party going
Remember those friends from the support group? After designating an appropriate amount of time for wallowing — a week or so, maybe — haul yourselves down to the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings and compensate for your lack of tickets with delicious, fattening wings.
9. Do your homework
You know what everybody going to the Duke game won’t have the opportunity to do? Get ahead in their studies! Take advantage of the extra three hours you have been allotted and get cracking on that Intro to Financial Accounting textbook. Make sure to send a few snaps to your friends — they will certainly be jealous.
10. Train a dog to do gymnastics — or find another wacky talent
At the Virginia and Virginia Tech game a few weeks ago, I saw a halftime show that changed my life — a man doing gymnastics with a dog. It was transformative, it was transfixing and it could have been you. The halftime performers get into games for free. That’s right — even the dog got a free ticket. No flippant raffles, no exorbitant ticket prices — just raw talent. If you can train a dog to do gymnastics, or anything half as impressive, you can get into the game. You can get into any game.