I’m going to put the funny business aside for a second and get serious with you all. I know that sounds ridiculous. After all, you came here — to the humor section — probably to forget about whatever’s going on in your life and just have a laugh. I get it. Heck, that’s why I write for the humor section. Everybody needs that every once in a while. But us humor writers have stuff going on, too. Sure, we put on our funny facades and our jokes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our own problems. And where are we supposed to go when we need a break? Who’s writing the stuff to make us laugh?
I’ll just get right to the point. I’ve really been going through it lately. Classes are starting to get harder. The weather is more insane than normal Virginia weather. Like, you know, how the first “Sharknado” movie was really funny because it was still a little bit serious but in a way that was so bad and ridiculous that it was good? But then in the second, third and fourth movies they just really leaned into all the crazy tropes that everyone expected them to use, and those movies were just completely insane and honestly pretty bad? That’s what the weather is doing right now. This is the meteorological equivalent of “Sharknado 4”. And I’m done with it.
I found out that one of my best friends rides Bird scooters instead of Limes. That was a pretty painful conversation. Needless to say, he and I are no longer on speaking terms.
GrandMarc was flooded. I don’t live there, and I’m not really friends with anybody who was seriously affected by it. Actually, I met the guy whose roommate was the one who started the flood, which was honestly pretty cool to meet him. Apparently he tried to hang a speaker from the sprinkler, and it went off. But like that must really suck for him. Just thinking about that really bums me out.
I went to this event that promised Roots catering, for no other reason than the Roots catering, but I showed up about thirty minutes late. All of the El Jefe bowls were gone, and I had to settle for the Apollo, so you can imagine the kind of mental turmoil I was in for a few days after that.
Basically, I’m just having a real rough go of it, and I could use a win. And I know this may be a long shot but, Dean Groves, President Ryan, if you’re listening, just know that I think you guys are really cool dudes. Dean Groves, your fashion is second to none, and from the one time I’ve talked to you in person, you’re just as friendly and wonderful as everyone thinks, if not more so.
President Ryan, there was one time a few weeks ago where I was walking back from getting dinner at College Inn, and I ran into you walking on the Lawn. I offered you some of the leftover food I had, and you politely declined, but I felt a little awkward about it afterwards, and I’m sorry if you felt the same way. I think you’ve done an excellent job as president so far, and I can’t wait to see where this University goes under your direction.
In conclusion, I think I’m due for some good karma. So Dean Groves and President Ryan, if you’re feeling generous, I’d really appreciate if you shared this article or something on Instagram or Facebook. Honestly you don’t even have to make it public. Just send me a DM saying you saw my article, and it’ll stay just between you and me.
Who knows? Maybe this is only the start of a long and beautiful friendship. Jim, those leftovers are still yours if you want them. Or we could just go for coffee or something. Allen, can come too.
Jess Miller is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.