Scholarships nobody wants

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Humor columnist Matthew Seetoo gives some insight into his scholarship search.

Sophie Roehse | Cavalier Daily

Everyone at college knows a little bit of money can go a long way. No one would really ever turn down free money, especially in today’s economy. 

Like many of my peers, I was trying to find anything I could get. ScholarshipOwl popped into my browser and said all I had to do was put in my information and its algorithm would find scholarships that I could apply to. Sounded easy. Soon enough, essays about what the University meant to me, or how I would solve the dying problem as a 21st century young adult or a 500-page essay on who would win in a fight between Tony the Tiger and the Trix Rabbit for the Kellogg Fund of America were appearing in my inbox. Eventually, I ran out of scholarships and my fingers cramped. I had to do more, there had to be more! How did I even go through all the “scholarships” asking for my social security number and “promising” to put me in a raffle? My trembling hands moved the mouse to click on the “widen criteria”button. I was desperate to find something!

A new list of opportunities filled my screen. I filled out two before I realized how odd they really were. I reread the title to the one in front of me, “Fugly Scholarship for the Beautifully Impaired.” That was kind of weird to have a scholarship for. I finished up and returned to the list. It dawned on me how all the others followed a similar pattern. “The Bad Body Odor Scholarship (maybe I do need to shower more than once a week), “1000 Dollars for Foolish Dunces” (a thousand dollars wasn’t bad but I’m not that dumb) and “A Scholarship for that Person Everyone Doesn’t Really Like But No One Will Ever Say Anything About It To and Also the Person Has a Stupid Haircut” (Ok now that’s just mean). These were getting really specific now. I clicked on the “Lame Scholarship” and read the description, “Congratulations! This scholarship is offered to only the 500 most uncool people in the country. Write an essay of no more than 500 words about how you managed to do that!” 

I scrolled through, looking for something that wasn’t targeting the insecurities deep inside me. The “Confidence Scholarship” didn’t sound too bad. I began reading it. “This scholarship is offered to the people with the most confidence. Wearing that shirt with those pants? You’d have to be REALLY confidant to look so stup-“ I exited out. Something had to be out there to solve my bruised ego.

There was a link to other scholarships I apparently didn’t meet the criteria for. I tried selecting some like the “Intelligence Scholarship,” but it kept giving me a pop-up and blocking me from applying saying, “Our apologies, but your IQ has to be above room temperature to apply to this scholarship.” Defeated, I returned to the scholarships that only people like me could get. Frowning, I scrolled through, filling out three scholarships from before. Was the money really worth it if it meant I had a stupid haircut? There was no way I could win, no way at all! I pressed submit on all three of them and 5 minutes later I got three emails all saying the same thing: “Congratulations!” 

Matthew Seetoo is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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