For decades, U.Va. students have been wondering why they were rejected from their intended majors despite stellar GPAs, meaningful extracurriculars and a lifetime of previous success. Well rejects, rejoice. The conspiracy has been uncovered. Olivia Jade is coming to Charlottesville, and she took your spot in Comm School.
Olivia Jade, in case you haven’t connected to the internet in the last month, rose to fame after her celebrity parents were exposed for paying $500,000 to have her and her younger sister admitted to the University of Southern California as fake members of the women’s rowing team. Unfortunately, she will no longer be returning to USC. Fortunately, U.Va. has taken this opportunity to add yet another notable alumni to their roster.
“Honestly, I don’t really care about communications or whatever program I’m in now, but I’ve heard a lot of really good things about Trin, and I love basketball!” said Jade.
U.Va. Office of Undergraduate Admissions were thrilled when they heard a celebrity kid was up for grabs.
“When I found out that such a famous person got kicked out of USC, my entire body started shaking! I actually stopped breathing for a minute and blacked out! I was so freaking excited!” one dean of admissions said, who, like most students come exam time, looked as though she had been living off of caffeine, protein bars and their friend’s adderall prescription.
“We know that we couldn’t let this chance slip away from us, so we all put our heads together and came up with the most prestigious accolade U.Va. has to offer — a B.S. in Commerce.”
Although U.Va. is known for its emphasis on honor, the University announced that in an effort to bring diversity to grounds, they will begin promoting diverse moral character as well. As long as you’re rich and a little bit discreet, you can basically do what you want.
Spots in similar application based majors like Batten, Global Studies and Media Studies were promised to elite applicants as well, including the younger daughter of Lori Loughlin and the kids of that dude on “Shameless.” Since they don’t have the same name recognition, each of their spots will cost a bit more.
“Yeah, they didn’t have quite the same social media clout as Olivia Jade, so those majors were the best we could do.” a representative from the University’s admissions office said. An inside source revealed that those students’ applications didn’t even include their names. They just typed “$1 million” on every line of the Common Application.
“I was so confused when President Jim Ryan started spouting all these crazy ideas like paying employees a living wage and making college affordable for the middle class, but thanks to the generous bribes paid by these philanthropic future hoos, I’m back to not caring about the school’s finances like before!” third-year Chad McBrad said.
Although it’s impossible to know if you yourself were the student who got bumped to make room for the wealthy, take solace in knowing that it’s not your fault. You just don’t have the “diversity of experience, background, and skills” that the Comm school says it’s looking for on its website. Oh, and that it’s ridiculous that at an already incredibly selective school filled with students who are more than qualified for whatever field they want to enter, U.Va. would rather stay super selective than hire more faculty and prepare students for their career goals. Next year, try starting a YouTube channel. Your SUMMER CLOTHING HAUL and GET READY WITH ME: COACHELLA videos would probably bring in more money than a consulting job anyways.
Katie McCracken is Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.