Hey mommy! How are you? I’m sorry I have not written to you since the final exam crisis of spring 2019. I still have not quite recovered from O’Brien’s final exam, but I honestly don’t know if I ever will. Nonetheless, I have a new development to complain about to you. We need to discuss this unpaid internship.
Mother, I know you keep telling me that this internship will get me real, practical work experience and that I should be grateful for the opportunity. Which I am! But, what’s the point of interning when I could be sleeping until noon and spending my days with no one other than you?
Listen, I know it’s only been a week, but honestly, when you are not getting paid for a nine to five, one week feels longer than the three trimesters you carried me for. I’m not trying to say what you experienced wasn’t difficult, but try slaving over the same excel spreadsheet longer than Jesus’s first time dying.
What do I do at this internship you may ask? Well aside from watering the office plants, getting the mail, running errands, and organizing paperwork, I have gotten the privilege to be the person who answers the phone for the office. I’m not sure why such powers were bestowed upon me — especially considering 9 out of 10 times I don’t have the answer anyway — but nonetheless, I have the power. I know it’s small, but being permitted to run the phones has let me live my sexy secretary fantasy like you would not believe.
All jokes aside, my main point to raise to you is, who knew that Virginia's unpaid internship laws are about as well defined as my abs? It is important to remember that the last time I did crunches was the fitnessgram test in tenth grade. But yeah, what’s the deal with that?
Another thing, working in an office is so weird compared to going to school or working as a server. Not only is it monotonous, boring and lackluster, but also I have fallen a victim to being addicted to coffee. Nothing gets me through the work day quite like anxiously sipping down my third or fourth cup of Folgers.
Everyone here is super nice though, especially my fellow interns. We have this unique unity around how we ended up here. Honestly, interning is a lot like Trump’s presidency. We aren’t really sure what we’re doing, we aren’t sure how we got here and we just kind of pretend to know what’s going on. But unlike Trump’s presidency, we’re actually pretty effective at our jobs.
Elisha Rypkema is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.