Hi there! Are you confused, concerned, questioning? Looking for a space your annoying roommate absolutely will not be able to find? Or have you just used up all the condoms your resident advisors provided already? Whatever the answer, rest assured that there is a space for you on Grounds — but first you have to find it.
“Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy” you might think to yourself, full of naiveté and the confidence that comes from always having Google Maps to guide you. Though the center will soon be moved to a more accessible location, for now this quest will prove to be harder than any you have encountered thus far. For this long sought after elysium, this fabled paradise, is hidden from mortal eyes. I am talking, of course, about the elusive LGBTQ Center on Grounds.
If you didn’t know we had one, I don’t blame you. I don’t think a lot of administrators know we have one either. It’s an easy mistake to make. But rest assured, it does exist — if you can get through the three deadly trials preceding it.
The first trial is that of JUDGEMENT. You want to know where the LGBTQ Center is, but to do that you must ask someone — a friend, an RA, a Newcomb worker — one or many of these people could help you on your quest. But they could also be monsters in disguise, ready to pass the JUDGEMENT. Anyone can JUDGE, and they'll do it with statements like "Oh, I don't know, that's not really my kind of lifestyle :)" or "Bro, are you gonna like, hit on me bro? I know we shook hands but I said no homo." The trial of JUDGEMENT may seem insurmountable, but it can quickly be surpassed with the help of a level 2 wizard spell called "Google," which can instantly reveal hidden knowledge to you. It is through this method that you can discover the location of the center, Newcomb.
The second trial is that of the LABYRINTH. After your revelation about the building in which the LGBTQ Center is located, you may think you are in the clear. It’s one building, right? It can’t be that big, right? And they’d probably have the center located somewhere prominent since it could be a resource for a huge number of people, right?
The spectre of Newcomb laughs at your insolence, puny mortal. You think to best the LABYRINTH that is the winding path to the promised land? Foolish. Newcomb has devoured many students before you and will consume many more. Unlike the first trial, this one is a bit trickier to bypass. It involves a special skill called “literacy,” with the specialization of “map reading.” If you have these two stats, there are hidden checkpoints in Newcomb with maps that will lead you to your destination. If these skills aren’t enough for you, however, try spending some skill points to upgrade your “sense of direction” stat. If you successfully complete this trial, you should find yourself in the Newcomb basement outside of the LGBTQ Center.
The third trial is by far the most difficult, and if you are faint of heart I suggest turning back now. The third trial is that of SELF CONFIDENCE, and many are unable to complete it. It is daunting for many to first enter the LGBTQ Center, and it is understandable why. You may not officially be out to everyone — or anyone — and are scared that someone will see you enter and out you because of it. You may feel that you don’t belong, that you aren’t “queer enough” to be there, that this is an exclusive club you need to earn your place in. Maybe you just aren’t good with crowds, and the center looks a little crowded that day.
Whatever the reason, it likely falls under the trial of SELF CONFIDENCE (or SAFETY if you fear being outed). Unfortunately, there is no one solution to completing this trial. I cannot recommend any walkthroughs, cannot point you to any hints or bugs that may assist you. There is no magic potion to raise your stats, no deus ex machina that will save the day for you. This is your final trial, and one you must face alone. Good luck.
Dorothea LeBeau is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.