It’s the very first weekend of your first year and you and your hallmates are walking back after a night of jumping the fence at Coupes and spending your dad’s hard-earned money on watered-down vodka sprites. Suddenly, you see it. THE Lawn. Jefferson’s very own academical village. Graced by the presence of three U.S. Presidents, Martin Luther King Jr., and now you. It beckons you. You know the age-old tradition MUST be honored, but you have so many questions. Does it count if you keep your socks on? Do you wave at the Ambassador? And most importantly — will this help you get accepted to the Comm School?
Luckily for you, I — a veteran streaker — will be providing a foolproof guide to streaking the lawn like a pro. Having streaked seven times — No, I’m not a nudist, just a French major — this is my advice:
1. Make sure you can actually run that far
You would think that once you're comfortable being butt-naked in front of all your friends that nothing could possibly embarrass you. Nothing, that is, except for running halfway across the Lawn and running out of steam. Even yours truly can’t make the tired half-run look graceful. To avoid this sad state, I suggest doing a *practice* streak by yourself. This should ideally be attempted Saturday morning, when all the cool kids are too hungover to judge you.
2. Tackle the slope with grace
The small slope near the end of the Lawn is every streaker’s worst nightmare!! What do you do? Slow down? Absolutely not! You’ve never felt this free in your life! Jump all the way down? Maybe, if alcohol somehow gives you frog-like abilities. The *ONLY* acceptable solution is to curl up into a ball and ROLL down the hill. Trust me, it's the best way to keep your momentum (who said PHYS 1050 was useless?)
3. Protect your stuff
I get the feeling. All you want to do throw your clothes aside and RUN. But it's definitely worth being careful with your stuff. The U.Va. honor code is not in affect after 2 a.m., and we know you’d be heartbroken if you lost your Vineyard Vines shirt or Juul. My recommendation is convincing your most insecure friend that he’d the best at keeping guard. Trust me, I — I mean they — will forever be grateful you gave them an out.
4. Embrace the strobe lights
Some totally-not-pervy Lawn residents like to keep strobe lights in their rooms to expose streakers. This behavior can only be expected by our best and brightest fourth-years. Anyhow, should you be unfortunate enough to come across these strobe lights, the key is to simply *embrace* it. You’ve hit the AFC at LEAST twice this year — you’re looking GOOD. If everybody else wants to see you naked, let them.
With these tips in mind, you can now ensure you have the best streaking experience possible. Now go and make the MOST of your Public Ivy education!
Eshaan Sarup is a Humor Columnist at The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com.