Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
Step aside, spotted lanternfly, because the newest invasive species has arrived on Grounds — the performative male. When students came back to Grounds in August, the population of this novel species exploded, increasing almost threefold in just under a month. This population boom can be attributed mostly to the sheer number of young adult males at the University looking to impress female students with an aesthetic appearance and trendy interests. By curating a specific look and certain traits, these men hope to improve their romantic prospects. However, these false personalities should not be trusted.
Similar to lantern flies which divebomb innocent victims at every corner, students will find that the Lawn, the Corner and McCormick Road are suddenly teeming with tote bags and fraught with feminist literature. Such a rapid infiltration has led to outcry from the student body over managing this unforeseen infestation. In order to keep yourself and your loved ones safe, it’s essential to stay informed about the tendencies of performative males around the University.
How to spot a performative male
Quite the opposite of the spotted lantern fly, performative males can stand anywhere from 5-foot-4 to 5-foot-11, although many will lie when asked directly. However, many other factors help differentiate the performative male from the significantly smaller, spotted red insect.
Performative males project a relatively consistent image, as they feign specific characteristics in hopes of drawing female attention. Most easily, these men can be recognized by their clothing. They often wear baggy jeans and t-shirts of bands that they believe to be incredibly niche — look for The Smiths, Nirvana, etc. Wired earbuds complement this false sense of music knowledge. If you are brave enough to approach one of these men as he walks to class, he will likely tell you he is listening to the popular indie artist Clairo — but don’t keep him too long, or he might be late to his Women, Gender & Sexuality seminar.
Performative males also tend to stand out by the things they carry. Usually, they hold a matcha from Saxbys in one hand — preferably iced, so that their target audience can see the drink through the clear cup — and a novel in the other hand. These men are frequently seen sitting alone on the Lawn reading literature by authors such as Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath and even Colleen Hoover.
The dangers of performative males
As performative males become ubiquitous around the University, it is increasingly crucial for ALL students to understand the risks they pose. While these men may not harm local ecosystems, some argue that their impacts are even more sinister. Research shows that 93 percent of women who fall for performative men are subjected to manipulation, gaslighting and ghosting.
It’s easy to ignore these statistics and assume that an intelligent, worldly young woman would never succumb to such deceptive tactics, but this is not the case. Smart, confident women are actually at a greater risk, which is part of what makes the University a hot zone for performative male activity.
How to stay safe
Luckily, protecting yourself and others is possible. The most reliable way to accomplish this is by avoiding men with the traits listed above. However, some men may exhibit one or two of these traits without being classified as a true performative male. The most challenging task is to differentiate between performative males and those who have a genuine interest in feminist literature, indie music, matcha and the like. Even scholars and experts struggle with this, so don’t feel bad if you find it too difficult.
Students can never be too aware of their surroundings, but as the semester continues performative males will be increasingly distracted by academic work and trying not to get hit by Veo scooters, the invasive species’ only natural predator. Furthermore, their sensitive emotions often translate into weather sensitivities, and as temperatures drop on Grounds, potentially afflicted students may spot them less often. In time, these environmental threats to the performative male will allow the University community to refocus on ridding Charlottesville of spotted lanternflies, one pest at a time.
Read More
Virginia gubernatorial candidates appeal to thirsty U.Va. student body
By Natalie Boucher | September 17, 2025In lieu of this all-too-soon election, each candidate agreed to speak in a University-sponsored town hall this past Friday, located in Minor 125
U.Va. adds required online module on Strategic Nodding and Eye Contact in Lectures
By Simran Chavan | September 11, 2025This year the University has announced a new addition to its catalog of training modules where paying attention is optional — “Strategic Nodding and Eye Contact in Lectures” or SNECL
ROUNDTABLE: First-year questions, asked and answered
By Natalie Boucher , Adair Reid and Owen Andrews | September 9, 2025As they, too, were former children, The Cavalier Daily’s esteemed Humor desk decided to answer some common questions these youngins’ parents left on the UVA 2029 Facebook group
