Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
The fall semester is approaching its end, and with it comes stress over finals, mild political upheaval and of course, internship recruiting season. If you haven’t opened LinkedIn recently, you’ve missed roughly 40 posts beginning with “I’m excited to announce…” or “Grateful to share…” But if you thought you could avoid those posts by shutting your laptop — that one kid from your 8 a.m. Friday discussion will personally inform you of their summer offer from J.P. Goldman Stanley.
With the timeline for internships getting earlier and earlier, it can be easy to feel like you’re falling behind your peers. Well, I’m here to tell you that this is true. In order to keep your ego from being demolished faster than the White House’s East Wing, I’ve compiled a list of how you can start posting about your “accomplishments” more. The secret lies in the act of transforming ordinary club participation into a magnificent tale of personal and professional growth.
1. Rebrand every position as managerial
Ever showed up to one club meeting and never again? Congratulations — you are now the Executive Director of Attendance Initiatives. Been left on read by all members of your club’s GroupMe? You are now Head of Internal Communications. However, if you’re a chronically not-locked-in student with zero club involvement, never fear. I propose starting a low-effort organization — “student-driven initiatives” are prime material for LinkedIn posts. Ideas include Hoos Who Nap, a membership for lovers of the day nap, or Pi Theta Bye, a time-management fraternity that meets once and disbands. No job is too small if the words sound fancy enough.
2. Quantify absolutely everything
Students who use LinkedIn love numbers, even when they mean nothing. You didn’t just hand out flyers — you engaged with over 300 stakeholders outside of Newcomb Hall, distributing 3000+ vital informational documents. You didn’t spend an hour in a tabling shift on South Lawn wondering why no one made eye contact — you led an independent outreach analysis resulting in 0.003 percent conversion. Instead of Venmoing your club’s treasurer 12 dollars for catered Mellow Mushroom, you engaged in philanthropic contributions by overseeing a fiscal transfer valued at $12 USD. If you can attach a number to it, you have statistics to report within an end-of-semester post.
3. Make every club trip into a life-changing experience
At this University, no trip is just a trip. When you went on your club’s Beach Week to Myrtle Beach last May, you were actually selected to participate in a global outreach initiative. This experience was fully funded by your parents, and the journey there along I-95 was not unlike the wilderness of the Camino de Santiago trek or a summit up Everest. Upon return, you gained more than memories — you developed collaboration skills in high-stress, sand-based environments. Start your post like this — “My colleagues packed for their fall break trip today. But me? I stayed behind — not because I had to, but because innovation doesn’t take PTO. While others rested, I was in the trenches, developing Version 2.0 of myself…”
4. Thank absolutely everyone
No LinkedIn post — or University club experience — is complete without a paragraph of heartfelt gratitude. You must thank and tag at least one professor, two executive board members and those people from your first-year orientation group that you haven’t spoken to since but still pass on Grounds. Just like everything else at the University, gratitude is a competitive event — you have to out-thank everyone else. Even if your club didn’t accomplish anything, you should still thank everyone “for their continued support on this journey” and hope no one will ask what the journey actually was.
With all that being said, I am thrilled to announce that my time as Esteemed Cavalier Daily Humor Columnist has taught me the power of cross-functional satire. Thank you so much to my family, the thousands of YikYak Yakarma I have accumulated and the overworked fan in my laptop — you’ve taught me more about hustle than you’ll ever know. Here’s to another year of making jokes into an empty void!
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