Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
After a successful first season on the University’s football team, running back J’Mari Taylor is entering the draft but looking to leave his legacy on Grounds — and hopefully make fans cheer along the way. Taylor has pledged to apply his extensive LEGO experience to mend the broken dish return at the Fresh Food Co. dining hall in Newcomb Hall over spring break. As a student-athlete, Taylor has experienced many perks — like special dining, priority course registration, super sick limited-edition merch, etc. — so this is his way of giving back to the proletariat, since it seems the University will not.
A recent post on the official University Instagram featured Taylor for his love of LEGO bricks and his pet snake. This post illustrated a different side of Taylor than the offensive juggernaut seen on the field at Scott Stadium — one that might be seen on Engineer’s Way with a stack of textbooks in hand. Taylor plans to bring his innovative side to Newcomb Hall, where he will fix the machine one LEGO brick at a time. U.Va. Dine management is thrilled to have Taylor’s contribution.
“It’s great to see a star student-athlete helping out with an issue we’ve been too lazy to address,” Chris P. Bacon, manager of University Dish Returns, said.
The dish return — a conveyor system that sends dirty dishes to the kitchen — has been broken since September, forcing students to stack dishes in a hostile system of compost bins and metal shelves. This less-than-ideal solution has been a source of anguish for the student body, especially first-years attempting to make the most of the required unlimited meal plan. Many have voiced these concerns, but to no avail. Taylor heard these complaints and — as he did many times this fall — decided to come to the rescue.
Fourth-year Engineering student Neid Zajob echoed the perspective of many University students.
“It’s like a humiliation ritual,” Zajob said. “I was somewhat comforted by the widespread hatred for the dish return across Grounds, but I needed some extra consolation. So, I confided in ChatGPT. It helped assure me that my feelings are valid.”
First-year College student Faye Kaidee has had a similar experience. She voiced her appreciation for Taylor’s planned contribution.
“I complain loudly each day as I scrape off my plate, but no one seems to hear me over the freaky R&B songs blasting from the speakers each morning,” Kaidee said. “I’m so glad Taylor is taking time off from her music career to fix this — but I didn’t love ‘The Life of a Showgirl.’ Don’t tell her that.”
While students like Kaidee seem excited, the University’s former Interim President Paul Mahoney summed up his thoughts on Taylor’s plans in just one word.
“Who?” Mahoney said.
However, Mahoney’s tune changed when he found out about Taylor’s additional plans to create a miniature LEGOLAND park in the Contemplative Sciences Center — after he meets his goal for the dining hall, of course. Taylor’s recent visit to LEGOLAND inspired this secondary project, and he hopes to bring the joy of Orlando, Florida, to Charlottesville.
“Oh boy!” Mahoney said. “I’ve been waiting for this to happen. A University LEGOLAND was a major goal of mine in my bid for University President, but the Board of Visitors wasn’t too keen. They said that including LEGO people on Grounds was technically a form of DEI. Beardsley must have some J.K. Rowling-style Harry Potter World plans instead.”
Although the Board might block Taylor’s LEGOLAND plans, his pledge to fix the dish return machine is being lauded by students, staff and administrators alike. With a LEGO toolkit and a fierce dedication to his craft, Taylor will rebuild the Newcomb dish return brick-by-brick.
When asked for a comment, LEGO representative Emmet Brickowski expressed excitement.
“As long as he doesn’t use the Kragle,” Brickowski said.
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