Editor’s Note: This is a humor column.
“The Virginia chainsaw massacre.”
This was the nickname given to Deb N. Peels by her first-year roommate, following a week of thunderous, migraine-inducing snoring. Peels’ roommate, Siesta Niver proceeded to avoid spending the night in their room — at least on Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
This was when Peels had the idea of the century. A way to connect with fellow sleep-snorters across the University. A way to bond over shared trauma and clogged sinuses. It was the Tri-Zeta co-ed snoring fraternity for reverberant sleepers.
We sat down with Peels prior after the activity fair to discuss the origins of the informal fraternity.
“It came to me in a particularly vivid dream,” said Peels. “Well, it was actually after the dream, which I hardly remember — I woke up with my sheets on the floor and my roommates’ pillow over her head.”
Since its inception in March, Tri Zeta has amassed over 100 mouth-breathing members — MBMs — and single-handedly sharpened the jawlines of dozens of undergrads via viral TikTok mouth-taping techniques and ceaseless mewing.
Matt Tris, a third-year member of the 2025 pledge class, had largely positive remarks regarding the organization.
“I’ve made a core group of friends that I actually ended up moving in with, and now sleep with often.” Said Tris. “I’m mad excited for this new PC. We can’t get enough mouth breathers — it’s essential to create a vast and well-rested co-ed brotherhood.”
Tri Zeta offers fall as well as spring recruitment. They are looking to double their numbers this season, and have made efforts to market themselves to incoming first years.
“Our new approach is actually to capitalize on the insecurities of these young snorers. It’s their first time away from home, they have to share a room and they suffer from incorrect facial sleeping posture. It’s the perfect time to abduct some new MBMs,” said Peel.
Yet, Tri Zeta is reportedly at risk for some serious clout loss. Some have worried that the members, in their newfound community, have adopted an egotistical and possibly performative attitude towards sleep optimization.
Vicky Tim, a third-year hybrid side and stomach sleeper, had negative remarks regarding the Spring 2025 rush cycle.
“Tri Zeta markets itself as a welcoming community of snorers, but in recruitment, it was clear that some snorers are more equal than others. Large droves of men in flannel pajamas and white tank tops would show up at the house and start dapping up the Tri Zeta brothers, talking about ‘looksmaxxing.’ Then the girls would just be standing in the corner, laughing awkwardly.”
So after some light investigation, student journalists with The Cavalier Daily took to Rugby Road during Block Party to infiltrate a super secret open-invite Tri Zeta function.
The Tri Zeta house was eerily quiet for a Friday night. DoorList-ready, the bouncers ignored our phones and instructed us to use “whisper voices” and to walk with “marshmallow feet.”
Looking around, it was clear that the mouth breathing male members had marked their territory. I saw a Pulp Fiction poster on the wall, beneath it, a measly mini fridge. Overheard was, “Yeah babe, I love Deftones. Are you def in the bedroom? ‘Cause I’m the tones.”
I wandered over to a worn-down leather sofa with a singular squishmallow in the corner. There, I encountered a young man dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge who was sleeping in a fetal position and wearing a magnetic nose strip. I poked him gently on the shoulder, to which he startled and began swinging. “Mom? Mami? Where am I?” He shouted.
Despite firm inquiry, I never learned his name, and the experience was very startling.
Furthermore, plus ones to last semester’s pillow parties have accused members of berating them, Quentin Tarantino-style, about the importance of the Gua Sha for lymphatic drainage. Accusers have alleged an unconscionable number of mentions of “the body keeping the score.”
Peel has since conceded that, to her disappointment, the fraternity has descended from professional co-ed fraternity territory to some kind of alternative, well, fraternity.
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