If there’s one thing that my boyfriend and I know how to do, it’s fight. Since we began dating nearly three years ago, we’ve had our fair share of Noah-and-Allie-level bickerments. In hindsight, the arguments we’ve wasted energy on have rarely been worth the time, effort and often, tears.
From accidentally shutting the car door on a foot to feeling like flowers were not sent often enough, these fights sometimes seemed to define us, leaving me to doubt if we were conducting our relationship the right way. Constantly, we were in a true adolescent test of “for better or for worse.”
Despite these concerns, there has always been something appealing to me about the recovery phase that follows a fight. Ironically enough, having big blow-ups has produced many of the most fruitful and earnest conversations in our relationship. These have helped us to rebuild and reassess discrepancies in our behavior and to realize how much we value each other. And to be completely transparent, the passion that has fueled these fires is irresistible.
In discussing this characteristic of my relationship with my friends, however, I was quickly surprised by how many of my peers were against any arguing in a relationship. In fact, some of them could not recall a singular time where they had a passion-driven argument or even a miscommunication blip. They truly saw arguing as just unnecessary — taking the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach a bit too far if you ask me.
As someone who viewed fighting with my boyfriend as an important step in my weekly routine, I began to wonder if I, myself, was on the wrong side of the argument about arguments. But when taking my friends’ opposite stances into consideration, it seems only fair to break down the debate and take a critical look at both sides.
On one end of the love spectrum, we have relationships like mine, which value transparency and honesty — at times to a detriment — and use the scar tissue of their bickerments as proof of unmatched passion. For us, it is better to fight out battles as they come rather than letting it accumulate into resentment and, eventually, a disastrous war.
In contrast, other couples supremely prioritize their harmony. Their goal to never strike their partner’s wrong chord is precious to them, and a philosophy of “it has been working so far” is their North Star. Though I may not practice this quieter approach in my relationship, I can understand the appeal of staying comfortable.
Still, I’m unsure whether being committed to keeping the peace is truly a sign of romantic compatibility between partners, or simply two people who prefer to avoid conflict at all costs. Are they losing out on the key moments of emotional intimacy that come with working to resolve the issue together?
I believe that the “right” answer to all of these questions does exist somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Fighting with your partner can be a beautiful exercise of intimacy and trust, but it also requires a level of respect for each other that is hard for most 20-something-year-olds to fathom. Decidedly not fighting, on the other hand, allows for a level of peace and rationality that all couples should admire. Our modern relationships should strive to exist between the two and find a healthy balance that suits the relationship’s individual needs.
A good relationship nowadays shouldn’t be black and white in the way we approach difficult circumstances and conversations. Instead, the focus should be less on the conflict itself and more on how to approach it effectively. The healthiest couples I know have this practice down to a science. They neither avoid, nor crave fighting — they simply navigate it when necessary to communicate, repair and propel their relationship dynamic.
To be clear, I am never a proponent of extended screaming matches and, most importantly, fights with your partner that are blatantly driven by attacks on each other's characters. Though it can be a hard balance to strike, arguments must be productive rather than destructive, ultimately being driven by a mutual desire to better the relationship you are building as a team. After careful consideration, I am declaratively a proponent of fighting at times in — and for — your relationship.
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