Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
First year is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you are going to get. Thanks to those summer training modules, the only things I thought I was going to get were run-hide-fight alerts and Narcan. Now that I think about it, that assumption was not entirely inaccurate … but you get the point! If you’re down on your nepo luck like I was, you may not have had somebody to prepare you for all the different kinds of people and social organizations you’ll find at the University. So just call me Ishmael because I’ll guide you through the tempestuous social voyages of first year as I reflect on my experiences as a rising second-year student.
Conversing with a Trin Trekker
“Bro, my roommate and I were PUBSing last night, but honestly, if you haven’t puked in an ambulance at least once in college, did you even have the college experience?” said the guy sitting next to me in my 8 a.m. lecture. I was only one month into my first year so I was a bit of a noob at handling that sort of interaction. After he told me that, I naively suggested Alcoholics Anonymous. “You know what? Don’t bother calling yourself a Wahoo. You bring shame to our University!” he exclaimed in shock at my suggestion.
I later learned this guy was a Trin Trekker. Trin Trekkers are girls and guys who love to go out ... maybe a little too much. You see, here at the University, we work hard and play hard. But some people play harder than others. Don’t let the name fool you. They love Trin but you’ll also see them at Ellie’s, Coupes and, of course, the frats — at least the ones for which they have a DoorList.
Surviving my fall semester situationship
Entering the fall season, I thought I would find somebody to frolic in the Amphitheatre with and take soft-launch lawn picnic photos with. But now, like many others, I lie awake at night, shivering in my timbers over the supervillains I met during fall semester and praying I never run into them at Newcomb or a future internship.
We fell in love in October? More like we both had commitment issues in October. The fall semester is the worst limbo for hopeless romantics to find themselves in. Everybody wants to experience, but nobody wants to commit. Maybe you will meet them in the beer-littered front yard of a party, or lock eyes in the romantic and passionate atmosphere of O’Hill — it doesn’t really matter how it began because the ending is always the same. All the passion, uncertainty and suffering comes to an abrupt end when you finally block them while sobbing in the bathroom on Clem four — of course, the night before your final.
Escaping the McIntire mad men
Everybody comes to the University with a dream. For some people, that dream is discounted cash flow valuation and maximizing shareholder value. Although I didn’t share this dream, I couldn't deny I felt something creeping onto me. Like a bug ready to infect me with venom — a venom that I had seen others infected with.
You see, McIntire mad men weren’t always mad. Many may have appeared to be ordinary guys when you first met them, and one of them could even be a friend of yours. Maybe he was pursuing a passion in the humanities or engineering. Then one day, he’ll get bitten. It starts when you see him creeping around Robertson Hall. Shortly afterward, you see him take COMM 1800 “just to try it.” Finally, one day he just cracks. “Philosophy won’t get me a job … history won’t get me a job …” you’ll see him saying, as he rocks back and forth in his Barbour jacket at midnight.
Befriending the a cappella baddie
Surprisingly, I didn’t meet this girl in the middle of the dorm showers. Rather, I met her when her a cappella group came to perform at my building. “Dear God, if I should do my homework please, just give me a sign …” I prayed in my dorm. Two seconds later I hear “The Sign” by Ace of Base being sung across the hall.
A cappella baddies are notorious for saying ”aca-scus-me??” in inappropriate situations and having an unwavering love for their semesterly concert. If you’re unfamiliar with college a cappella, it may seem a bit unusual at first. But you’ll quickly notice that many of the members are quite friendly. If you have nobody show up to your birthday, you can count on an a cappella baddie to roll in singing, “Girl you know I-I-I girl you know I-I I … ooh it’s the best day of the year girl.”
Tolerating the Loaded Lad
For broke law-abiding citizens like myself, meeting Loaded Lads can feel like a bit of a culture shock. “You … don’t have a fake because you’re scared of getting in legal trouble? But like … can’t you just call up your family’s lawyer?” one said while striding down University Avenue.
It’s no secret that the University has its fair share of wealthy students. As you enter your first year you may feel like you're a SpongeBob entering into the world of Mr. Krabs. Loaded Lads may wear Barbours, McQueens and a bunch of other brands that are so out of your reach that you’ve never even heard of them. But honestly, who needs chuddy designer things when Walmart actually has the most aura? Those buy-one-get-one-free succulents are priceless! Or I guess less-priced.
I think everybody at the University can agree that first year can be a bit of a challenging adjustment period. But as long as you have persistence — and the patience of a Trin Trekker waiting in line for a party on Halloweekend — you too can survive your first year.
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