Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
In response to growing concerns about inflation, declining purchasing power and changing fiscal policy, the University announced Monday that it will launch a new Financial Planning Division within the University Career Center. This division will offer students access to personalized financial advice on everything from budgeting for groceries to determining whether one $15 drink or 15 $1 Fireball shooters is the more fiscally responsible choice. The announcement comes as economic conditions continue to deteriorate, with average pitcher prices rising above $30.
Ebenezer Writeoff, the University’s newly appointed dean of money-stuff, explained the motivation behind the initiative in a statement to The Cavalier Daily.
“I believe every student should have equal access to financial planning resources so they can learn how to budget their paychecks effectively,” Writeoff said. “If we can set them up for monetary success now, they’ll be much more likely to write the Alumni Association lofty checks in the future.”
While the University currently offers several personal finance courses intended to help students navigate similar financial challenges, accessing the courses can prove difficult. Students must navigate to the University’s information system, locate a separate tab at the very bottom of the page labeled “Miscellaneous,” enter a password reportedly known only to Writeoff and wait three to five business days for their request to be reviewed. If approved, students may then register for one of the courses, provided all 10 spots have not already been taken.
According to University officials, the courses have remained intentionally difficult to find in order to ensure that students who are truly “only financially motivated and care about nothing else but money” are able to access them.
The announcement comes as students across Grounds have expressed growing concerns about their ability to find employment and afford basic expenses after graduation. Kensington Fitzgerald-Patrick Rockefeller Banks, a recent graduate of the College of Arts and Sciences, shares his thoughts.
“I’ve been looking for a job for a few weeks and it’s been kind of hard,” said Banks. “I haven’t found anything yet, and all I have to live off is the $5,000 a month my parents give me. I usually go through that in about two weeks,” Banks said. “So, for the rest of the month, I’ve just been opening new credit cards and using those to pay for things. I think it’s working because my new cards never get declined.”
Using the new Financial Planning department, students will be eligible for one free initial consultation with a financial advisor, who will help them identify opportunities to optimize their financial futures. Subsequent appointments will be available for a modest fee, which University officials said students cannot put on a credit card.
Appointments will initially be released on a major-by-major basis, with Commerce students receiving first priority.
“Commerce students already have the most experience thinking about money,” Writeoff said. “They also tend to give us the most money, so we figured it made sense to start there.”
Following the initial rollout, the University announced that it had hired Dwight Ponzi Jr., a recently released parolee who served time for his involvement in the Enron scandal, to lead the new division. According to Writeoff, the decision reflects the University’s longstanding belief in second chances and its commitment to providing individuals with opportunities to learn from their mistakes.
Ponzi Jr. has already begun developing the department’s curriculum, which will include workshops on debt management, personal investing and opportunities for aggressive but legally defensible financial growth.
He has also reportedly taken an active role in securing funding for the new division. According to University officials, Ponzi Jr. has spent the past several weeks meeting with prospective donors and presenting what he described as a “limited-time opportunity to get in on the ground floor.” Although the University declined to provide details about the fundraising structure, one administrator described the process as “basically using the first few checks to demonstrate traction to the people writing the next few checks.”
Students will also be taught that taking out additional student loans can be an effective way to manage existing student loan payments, particularly when paired with continued enrollment in an accredited educational program.
“Debt is only a problem if you stop borrowing,” Writeoff said.
When asked by The Cavalier Daily what one piece of financial advice he would give to students, Ponzi Jr. leaned back in his chair and smiled.
"My dear friend and mentor Bernie Madoff always told me something I'll never forget," Ponzi Jr. said. "He told me about the Gambler's Dilemma, or something like that. I can't remember exactly, but it was that you'll make more money if you keep gambling than if you stop. So, if you take on more debt, eventually you'll stop having debt. I don't understand the logistics, but Bernie was a smart man."
He explained to reporters how he lost touch with Madoff while in “the slammer” and really wanted to get back in contact. The Cavalier Daily informed Ponzi Jr. that Madoff died in federal prison in 2021. Ponzi Jr. has since declined to comment and reportedly left Charlottesville.
While the Division may offer students many beneficial resources, much work remains to ensure it does not end up under federal investigation. Still, the change will have lasting effects on the University and its students.
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