Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
On Sept. 16, Virginia Athletics announced that the method of entry for future football games is to be revised immediately. Due to the controversial decision to require student tickets for entry to football games — a process that has been reported to be "extremely lame” and “a corny scarcity marketing technique” — the department has chosen to require DoorList in order to enter.
When asked how students can get on the list, Virginia Football Coach Tony Elliott replied, “Look, just get to know a player or two, and they’ll probably add you on.”
Since the announcement came out, there appears to be an influx in “glaze” for mopeds, athletics merchandise and even a deep rooted appreciation for all people named Scott. It seems that students are attempting to affiliate themselves with a yearning for anything and anybody related to Virginia football.
“I love Scott Beardsley, I love Scott Stadium, I just love Scott!” third-year Commerce student James McBall said before breaking out into an off-tune cover of “Scotty Doesn’t Know” from “EuroTrip.”
In a recent interview, players provided insight into their decision-making process in terms of who gets added onto the list.
“Listen, we don’t really care if you get excited at the thought of Scott or whatever. We athletes really just feel unappreciated and want everyone turning out to Scott in support of our program. Also, stop swiping left on us on Hinge,” seventh-year wide receiver Timmy Complan said.
The change has been particularly challenging upon the University’s lonely men population.
“I bet they only let girls in just like the frats who use DoorList. This has got to be some sort of premeditated attack on us male Hoos,” fourth-year Batten student Drew Tate said.
Tony Elliott took to Truth Social again yesterday to address the concerns about the change.
“You’re more than welcome to buy tickets like family members usually do if you can't finesse a DoorList add. But it is my duty to ensure that the true Wahoos aren’t being crowded out. A wise man once said, ‘The purest version of a man is the one acquainted with a Virginia football player,’” Elliott said.
Virginia Athletics will pilot the DoorList implementation at the next football game Oct. 23. Until then, the University appears to be facing a tumultuous transition period. Each player appears to walk a bit taller, laugh a bit louder and enjoy the increase in social capital. Meanwhile, students continue to express worry over the fate of the University’s football games.
“All I’m saying is Chandler Morris would’ve never let this slide,” second-year College student Emily Fan said. “All of this just feels so dystopian … Like what’s next, are they going to bribe us to make tiktoks with the big C [CavMan] for entry? You’re not going to see me at another game, that’s for sure!”
It appears that the athletics department is at a peculiar equilibrium with this new decision. There may be more turnout due to the “thrilling feeling of the chase” that some students describe in regards to getting on the list. On the other hand, there is serious concern over students like Fan abandoning the system altogether.
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