Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.
This story is developing. Check back for updated information.
On Sept. 11, three students reported seeing Mitch McConnell, the senior senator from Kentucky, at Boylan Heights on the Corner at approximately 11:39 p.m. This sighting came three days before Sen. McConnell’s unexpected return to Capitol Hill after a three-month absence caused by health concerns.
Sen. McConnell was not immediately recognizable, sources shared. According to a 11:41 p.m. post on Yik Yak, a popular anonymous forum for University students, Sen. McConnell donned a backwards cap and an unusual style of ingress into the sports tavern.
“Yo why Paul Mahoney tryna get on second floor of Boylan in a wheelchair [crying laughing emoticon] bro stay home,” the post stated. This report garnered over 15 upvotes.
At roughly 11:45 p.m., Sen. McConnell spoke with a Boylan Heights employee to share a complaint about the service of the sports tavern. Despite his prolonged absence from doing any work as a senator for the past three months, he demonstrated a clear proficiency in the rhetoric of chewing out minimum wage workers.
According to a bartender, who asked not to be named due to his pending internship application for the Senate Republican Conference, Sen. McConnell “looked fine, I guess old … but everybody here is old now. Boylan’s just fogies now. But he did look really familiar. Like the weird looking guy from last year.”
At approximately 11:58 p.m., less than 20 minutes after initially identifying the bouncer guiding Sen. McConnell up the inaccessible staircase of the sports tavern, one student excitedly shared that she engaged in a conversation with him. This student earnestly requested to be named, interviewed and featured by the paper, but The Cavalier Daily refused for the sake of editorial independence from the University’s Turning Point USA chapter.
“Mitch was just sharp as a tack. If anything, I think falling several times actually made him a better senator — fall six times, stand up seven? Anyways, counting or not counting household injuries, it was absolutely wonderful to see Mitchell out there with the youth. He’s truly advocating for the Republican cause against the dubious democratic morals out there on Grounds.”
According to a Yik Yak post with an attached photo at 12:09 p.m., Sen. McConnell engaged in light, respectful dancing with a group of female first-year students.
“I ain’t never seen this s—t in my life bro,” the post stated. A user replied to criticize the post, misidentifying the senior senator as a Charlottesville “townie” and arguing that students should be more respectful to people outside of the University bubble. The Yik Yak post and reply was downvoted to the point of the platform deleting the post for offensive content.
The Cavalier Daily failed to identify the purpose of Sen. McConnell’s brief and particular visit to Charlottesville. After reaching out for comment, Sen. McConnell’s communications director sent a photograph of Elaine Chao, his wife, sitting next to him in a mildly upsetting, plaid button-down shirt. In the totally unaltered, non-artificial-intelligence-supported photograph, he clutches a copy of The Cavalier Daily print edition from Sep. 10.
The Cavalier Daily inquired again, asking the communications director about the intention of the photograph. And asked again. And again. And waited a bit longer for an update. And asked again.
Directly from magicmitch1942@aol.com, Sen. McConnell responded, “Boylan is back.”
Scarlett Sullivan is the executive editor for the 136th and 137th terms of The Cavalier Daily. She is a fourth-year College student, majoring in history and completing an Accelerated Master of Public Policy at the Frank Batten School of Leadership and Public Policy. She is from Williamsburg, and enjoys writing about state and local politics in Virginia and student self-governance at the University. You can reach her at s.sullivan@cavalierdaily.com.
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