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(11/17/16 6:54am)
Nov. 9, 2016 8 a.m.: Today will be my first day back in civilization in six years. Since the day I graduated from college, I have been living on my own in the wilderness. I have travelled across this country many times over. For that reason, I am very tired. SO tired. Who would ever want to do such a thing like that? I would, after a night of getting super high off some real primo bud.
(09/15/16 10:23am)
No seriously, I would absolutely love to take your flyer. I would be thrilled to grab that flyer right out of the air and proclaim, “Yes! A flyer! A flyer all for me!” But I can’t. I sincerely, honestly, can’t. Why can’t I? It’s simple really. It’s, uh, because, I, uh, have, uh… rubella. Yes, rubella, German measles, I have that, so I can’t touch you, or else you’ll also have rubella, and all the terrible, awful, no good very bad things that come with it.
(04/28/16 11:04am)
Each year, people turn toward the glistening lights of tinseltown, wondering what these omniscient individuals are going to shove down our throats and make us enjoy at the movie theater this summer. And, since summer is fast approaching and all we have to show for it is the continued fetishization of multiple comic book franchises, I thought I would help predict what will be the next big films to come out of Hollywood in the coming months. Now I can say right now that each and every one of these movies is completely real and not at all made up, and that they will be coming out this summer to widespread acclaim.
(04/21/16 4:45am)
Editor’s Note: In 1968, Rolling Stone dispatched a new reporter, Sydney Pidgemon, to London to follow the legendary rock band The Beatles for a few days in order to get a sense of who they were as people and musicians when they weren’t performing. The band had just released “The White Album,” their eighth studio album and, like “Revolver” and “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band,” a different paced and styled album from what they had done before. Unfortunately, young James Goldsmith died on his return to New York. He had dropped a quarter into the airplane toilet and looked into it too far, causing him to lose his balance and get sucked through the toilet. His effects, including this rough draft of the article, were delivered to Rolling Stone headquarters and forgotten about. Only now have the records been uncovered and published. In it is depicted a slightly different version of the band that many have not seen before, and we at Rolling Stone hope that this excerpt adds to the mythic proportions of which the fab four are seen. Also, because this is a rough draft, some of the dialogue will be in transcription only, with no commentary from the reporter. Enjoy.
(04/14/16 4:41am)
Hatesbirds262: Hey reddit, I’m a 36-year-old man from western PA, and when I was 12 years old an errant sparrow hit me in the throat, paralyzing my vocal cords and permanently keeping my voice in a mid-pubescent range. Ask me anything?
(04/07/16 7:14am)
First off, to the cleaners on Thousand Oaks Boulevard, I’m sorry I broke your clothes conveyor belt thing. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t be inside the sweater when I gave it to you guys, and although the ride around the building on the conveyor thing was fun, I shouldn’t have freaked out during the steam cleaning and ruined all of those blouses on the way to the ground. My bad.
(03/31/16 5:57am)
My beautiful, beautiful boy.
(03/17/16 5:15am)
Everything I do, I do for you guys — you, the readers of these articles. I say this now to tell you that during this past week I spent in New York City (though it may have seemed like I was galavanting around and living it up in the Windy City) I was actually taking vigorous notes on things to do to make your trip to Beantown that much better. So now that I am back, I can finally give to you the 100 percent foolproof, very good and reliable travel guide to the City of Angels, New York, New York.
(03/03/16 6:46am)
There are many “definitive rankings” on the Internet, ranking everything from the best television series of all time to the funnest looking moles on my body (they all tied for first place!). With all of these various rankings come various ranking methods, and I think it’s high time we decide which one of those methods is the best method for ranking. You see, there are just so many different ways to measure everything from “tallest dog” to “coolest pubes,” and it’s now my job to make sure you all know which method is the best method. Why me, you ask? Well, if you must know, I love me some rankings. I click on every definitive ranking I see online. And after the virus on that clickbait article spreads through my computer, I move onto the next one and continue looking at those rankings. So, having seen roughly all the rankings, I can conclude that I am the authority on this. So without further ado, I present the definitive ranking of definitive rankings:
(02/25/16 5:45am)
Ladybug: Okay everybody, thanks for coming tonight. I know some of us had harder trips than usual getting here —
(02/11/16 6:16am)
I wake up in a horror, as if from a terrible dream. My lungs try to expand, heaving my chest to its limits, but I am trapped under the weight of something immense. My eyes try to adjust to their surroundings, but the darkness is so consuming it leaves my ears ringing and my balance uncertain. I am able to move my legs, and as I do so a whimper eaks out from above me. More shuffling ensues, and a sliver of light, almost imperceptible, shoots above my head and shines itself on the face of that which has been impeding my movement. It has matted fur, cold black eyes and a felt nose. Its smile is sewn on, disguising the true pain the creature is in. It is me. Or at least it looks just like myself. It whimpers again, and it is obviously not here by choice. I whisper, “where are we?” I can see the bear’s face contort as it tries to push a glue-like tear from its plastic eye. “Hell,” it whispers back, and I hear the faraway sounds that seal my fate.
(01/28/16 5:07am)
Hey! It’s Nancy-Wren and Patrick. Patrick and Nancy-Wren. Us. Together. The old team back at it again. We’re here to bring you outstanding, eminent, exceptionally good comedy at the University of Virginia. As new editors of the Humor section, we assume you know nothing about us, and we would like to change that. Imagine us as your new step-parents, not wanting you to call us mom or dad, but letting you know that we’re here for you. Having trouble at school? We’ll help you out with your algebra. Can’t seem to learn your lines for the big play? Well consider us your new scene partner. Wanna learn more about sex? You can go ask your real parents.
(10/29/15 4:05am)
We here at MTV are stoked to be bringing you the 31st season of “Real World” this fall! We’ve perfected the model of reality television critics have called a 21st century Lord of the Flies and we’re pumped to be able to bring it back for another season, this time in VEGAS BABY (you know, from the movie “Swingers” which, along with every other Vince Vaughn movie, is the only other thing we still show on MTV)! Anyway, we’ve realized that after 30 seasons of the exact same thing, some people might be bored with what we have to offer. So, we’ve decided to let you in on the fun!
(10/08/15 4:05am)
I know what you all must be thinking. “Wow, Patrick really seems different ever since his friend let him write an incredibly niche humor piece for his school newspaper.” Well, now that I have been welcomed into the elite group of individuals known as “published writers,” I am different. I’m better. Better than I was before? Certainly. Better than you are now? Of course. I am a published goddamn writer. Do you know what that means? It means I gave the gift of words to the pleading masses, and they ate it up like a bunch of babies desperately seeking a teet. Now someone might say that that last sentence mixed some metaphors, but to that I say: f*** off, I’m the published writer. Oh what’s that? You have an engineering degree? Go build someone who cares. Now that I’m a published writer, I had a few ideas on how you could better show me the respect I deserve.
(10/01/15 4:05am)
Aquarius: