Aquarius:
Water is an Aquarius’ main ally, but on this day, as chaos grips sanity in its talons and forces it into its gaping maw, the reality of Earth’s decline becomes apparent and man is forced into the cold unknowing, naked and afraid and destitute, the only source of light being the funeral pyre held in remembrance of the universal consciousness. Even through this series of continued misfortune, you, Aquarius, will find a way to make your day brighter, maybe by making a new friend.
Pisces:
Pisces, like the fish, continues to swim upstream, battling against the endless waves of human misery, longing to relax into its current but knowing somewhere in the deepest reaches of its soul that to do so would be a condemnation against all it represents. Pisces, DO NOT GIVE UP. You may be rewarded with a show of affection from a secret admirer.
Aries:
A powerful malaise runs deep within you today, Aries. Your existence sits precariously on the edge of a great cliff, a cliff that has sucked the energy out of your very marrow and weakened you to your core. The key to your rejuvenation is mysterious and elusive, like the owl to a scurrying field mouse. You may find it in a relaxing bubble bath.
Taurus:
Your longing for material gains will be your downfall, Taurus. Don’t you know that when this world crumbles under its own weight, and all the fornication, and sickness, and terror that inhabits our inexplicably terrifying existence is released, you won’t be able to take it with you? Try doing some good deeds today, and your rewards may manifest in unexpected ways.
Gemini:
As the oppressive chill of winter extinguishes the waning rays of summer, exposing the true duality in the nature of man, you, Gemini, will have your true nature tested. It may come in the form of an old flame, trying to reconnect. Stay strong, Gemini. There is a reason that flame is out of your life.
Cancer:
You know well the sickness the runs through humanity, like the Amazon through its jungle, full of pestilence and primordial evil. Today is not a respite from this knowledge, Cancer. Use what you know not as a crutch for your existence, but rather a ladder to lead your brethren to a plain of higher existence, where the scourge of human life cannot touch or harm you. Is this what you want to do with your life? Take some time today to consider your future.
Leo:
Your natural self-assurance will be mistaken for a staunch arrogance today, Leo. This will send you into an existential tailspin, constantly contemplating who, if you were to tear away your flesh and dig through your bones, you would actually find hidden in the rubble of your inconsequential exoskeleton. The plans you have been working on will feel hollow, pointless, as you re-examine your intended purpose. Turn to those you care about for reassurance in this time of trying.
Virgo:
Sleep will escape you on this day, Virgo, just as acceptance escaped Nosferatu throughout his existence. Your penchant toward servitude has run you dry, exposing you to the sins of the flesh. Light a candle. Breathe deeply. Feel yourself being reanimated. These are the things you must do to fully re-inhabit the body you have claimed as the one you will walk this planet in.
Libra:
A great change is coming, Libra. The trees rustle in a windless air; they are uneasy for what they know is to come, something that has been lingering for millennia, waiting to rise up and out of hiding. This is the day you prove yourself worthy. Go out. Explore this great unknown, you may find that you enjoy it.
Scorpio:
Today Scorpio, you match your namesake’s most famous fable. You are trapped within your own nature, unable to escape what is predestined for you. The true meaning of your life is one of Sisyphean proportions, but not all is inherently forsaken. Lean into your established position and stake your comfortable claim; enjoy it.
Sagittarius:
You are the traveler, Sagittarius. Destined to roam, guided by an innate ability to comprehend the nature of your surroundings and exploit their weaknesses in order to conquer them, laying claim to all in your path, a righteous christening of hellfire and anguish. Today, you may feel the need to run, run far away from the acts you have committed against nature and your brethren. Rome is beautiful this time of year, you should check it out.
Capricorn:
As night falls, and your shadow melts into its eternal limbo, take in your surroundings. Grasp at nature, feel its many textures, understand its cries of terror and moans of joy. Cherish them as yours and yours alone, and fully realize that in this moment, you no longer exist. Like your shadow, you have moved through the corporeal into the ethereal everlasting, suspended within your own consciousness and understanding nothing but the matter that surrounds and envelopes you. Keep first aid handy, you might need it.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor writer.
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