Ladybug: Okay everybody, thanks for coming tonight. I know some of us had harder trips than usual getting here —
A big, brown spider: I had to crawl across his sheets multiple times before leaving him terrified and awake.
Ladybug: — so let’s take full advantage of our time together. First order of business: the refrigerator.
A millipede: I made sure to crawl across some food the last time someone left the door open, but it got really cold and I think I could only plant a few thousand eggs on every resealed jar of jelly they own before I had to get out.
Ladybug: Well that’s down from our weekly goal of a million eggs, but it’ll have to do for now. What about the pantry?
A larger-than-normal fly: I’ve noticed Patrick really likes his cans of seltzer in a variety of flavors. So I’ve been going over there between one and 30 times a day, and I’ve been throwing up on all the cans. Like, all over the cans. The cans are covered in my puke.
A second, larger fly: I have also noticed he makes a lot of pasta, with its myriad shapes and sizes. So what I’ve been doing recently is I’ll wait until another roommate makes a sticky mess somewhere, and I’ll hang out in that sticky mess. Then I’ll get into an open box of pasta and walk all over the pasta, making it sticky. Also I puke on the pasta.
Ladybug: That’s great work you two. Everyone, I bet if we could be a little bit like the two abnormally large flies over here, maybe we’d hit more of our weekly quotas.
Five other ladybugs that operate as one: Well, we’ve been moving around and flying as a sort of brooding pack, instilling in Patrick an irrational fear of a traditionally benign creature.
Ladybug: Oh, really? That’s some great initiative you’re taking, you guys. Really nice job. Now, small cockroach, what’s going on with you? You’ve been pretty quiet recently.
Small cockroach: I know, it’s been rough. He recently got a new shower curtain that stops the spread of mildew in the tub, so I could no longer hide in the mildew. I decided to camp out underneath the sink, so when he runs out of toilet paper and he reaches for some, he runs into me and has to consider whether re-signing his lease was a good idea.
Ladybug: It sounds like a bit of a long con you’re playing there small cockroach, but you’ve never let us down before. Is there any other business in the shower we should know about?
A medium-sized tan spider: I’ve found that if I just sort of climb back and forth across the top of his shower curtain, he becomes paralyzed with fear and won’t stop staring at me, which gives me ample time to make fun of his weird, nude body.
Ladybug: Weird take, tan spider. But it does seem to work, and we should be doing whatever we can to make Patrick feel uneasy about living in his own home.
An immeasurable number of dustmites: We’ve been living in all of his towels and giving him weird hives, so even when he buys new towels to replace the old towels, we just move into the new ones to keep giving him hives.
Ladybug: That is genius, guys. Fantastic job. And on that note I think we can adjourn this meeting —
A beetle that lives in a pizza box: — I’m sorry I’m late guys. I was nibbling little bits out of every slice of Patrick’s pizza. What did I miss?
Ladybug: Pizza beetle, you’re killing me with these tardies! Everyone, this meeting is adjourned. I’ll fill in pizza beetle myself. Great job this week, and let’s see if we can make him cry before the weekend!
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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