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(07/08/20 3:16am)
Hi, everyone. How’s it going? Keeping entertained? Any good Netflix recommendations? Finding fun ways to keep your mind from off-roading into an inescapable ditch of despair? These are the most popular questions I have received during these extraordinary times, and I offer them to you as well. Perhaps answering them will kill some time. God knows how much we have of that nowadays.
(01/29/20 6:39am)
Before I left Spain for the United States at the end of my study abroad semester a couple weeks ago, I had basically scoffed at the professors’ warnings that “reverse culture shock” would be a thing. I figured that the transition would be easy, that I would just drop back in at home like nothing had changed — like I had never even left at all.
(09/11/19 7:46pm)
I’m not a first-year anymore. I’ve given up the fresh hope that one day I’d be playfully tapped by some fairy-like stranger as I was strolling across Mr. Jefferson’s majestic lawn, who would tell me, “You’re a humble, kind and heroic person. You’re everything that the Sevens wanted and never had. Until now.”
(08/02/19 4:36pm)
What is funny and why? This is a question that humans have grappled with for awhile, and will have grappled with until the publication of this article.
(03/13/19 6:14pm)
Throughout his presidency, President Donald Trump has fostered an incredibly hostile environment toward the press that seemingly grows worse by the day. Among his attacks are his declarations of “a running war on the media” and that journalists are “among the most dishonest human beings on earth.” These sorts of claims are not ones the president throws around without forethought and tactfulness. When the media calls him out, he frames any attempt to expose him as yet another pointed, liberal attack on his presidency. Trump uses accusations to purposefully enact a war on the press, which undermines its ability to appear credible during instances in which he looks bad or is being held to account.
(01/24/19 2:08am)
It was a dark and stormy night. One whose conditions practically elicited the visit of a very scary yet wise and well-meaning ghost. This night, however, was not typical by any means. Indeed, it was unique in that it was longer than any previous storm or night in U.S. history. The scene was bleak. White men were arguing. Government employees were on the brink of bankruptcy. And through all this carnage, Donald Trump peacefully slept, albeit with intermittent cries of “Give me my money Schumer! Pwease daddy pwease!”
(11/05/18 3:00am)
Our mothers are often the most influential people in our lives and play a distinct role in shaping the way we see the world, whether for good or for bad. My mom is one of the spookiest people I know — I mean, she was born on Halloween for skeleton’s sake! So, in the spirit of spooky season, I have compiled a list of the top ways my mother has shaped the way in which I see the world by spooking me out of my boots.
(10/17/18 3:02am)
The dominant myth in U.Va. culture, it seems to me, is that everyone is constantly ahead of the next person. Individually, we feel a pressure not only to succeed in every aspect of our lives, but also to be better than those around us. This can even happen with activities we are passionate about, leading us to adopt disdain for things that once brought great fulfillment. Instead of beloved pastimes, our interests become mediums through which we exercise power and control, and ultimately onto which we project our hopes of being the “best” and the “greatest.” In doing so, we become far removed from our natural state of being; we attempt to transcend the natural sense of fluidity and disorder with “success.”
(09/18/18 1:53am)
When we were new, there was seemingly nothing Twitter and I couldn’t do together. I remember right after first downloading Twitter, it was always waiting for me to run my sweet, supple fingers over the protective screen of my iPhone, which guarded the app from the consequences of any users’ affection, overindulgence and, ultimately, lust. A method of self sustaining yet equally one of self loathing, stealthily employed by Twitter to protect itself from the emotional hurdles of true rejection and heartbreak. But of course, no one could protect it from the results of one’s infiltration of these walls; even one swift crack in the structure, and hell, the floodgates open. In other words — things got dirty as hell.
(07/27/18 4:36am)
With school out and the summer sun in full swing, it's time to have some fun with fashion. I've compiled a list of fun, flirty and fabulous fashion statements that are sure to transform your image from dreary to dreamy.*
1. Sassy sandals
Sassy sandals is for all you quirky kids who want to apply a new twist to a tired trend. I actually discovered this look when raiding my local Payless shortly after they declared bankruptcy. What I did was stealthily finagle some knock off Nike Airs off the shelf and slide them into my trench coat pocket. Next, I bought some shoelaces that I didn't need, so as to distract the employees from my petty theft. I then exited the store (remember, to make this work you will have to act as casual as humanly possible) and strode into the A.C. Moore next door, whereupon I acquired a pair of fabric scissors. I was then able to deftly cut the knock off Nike Airs so that my toes stuck out of the top: an unexpected yet effective way of saying, "Death toe the establishment!" What resulted was an incredibly tasteful, inexpensive and most importantly, sassy look.
2. Rollin' in Dough
This look is great in that it requires only two things of the wearer: number one, a sizable amount of dough (Pillsbury is a go-to, but really any kind is a viable option), and number two, the physical ability to roll. I know you may be thinking, "What? Rolling in dough isn't a fashion statement!" But that's exactly it. The non-statement is an incredibly succinct statement in itself: overthrow the bourgeoisie! By simply rolling in dough, you're essentially saying,
"Screw off with your ‘avant-garde’ money dress, Lady Gaga, and take a look at my broke, naked ass! Which is covered in real — not metaphorical — dough, by the way. I'm real, and all you are is play dough."
Plus it's cheap, and a great look for birthday parties.
3. Hunka Hunka Burn in Hell
This is a beautifully masochistic look for all my emo friends out there who want some preventable pain in their lives. First, you should make sure that the weather forecast shows a UV index of 10. You will then want to cancel all plans between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 8:30 p.m.; if you go about this look correctly, the only things you see today will be the sun and the ground where your eyes meet it. You're also going to have to wear something that exposes a lot of skin: either a bathing or a birthday suit. Then, simply pick a spot with not too much overgrowth where the sun’s cancer rays can roast you at maximum effect. Turn over every couple hours, or when you feel your skin has been satisfactorily singed. By sunset, your skin will flaunt a beautiful, feisty red or orange! Our commander in chief will certainly be flattered that he is honored in this growing fashion trend.
(04/17/18 5:10am)
Dear Diary,
(03/28/18 4:58am)
'I’ve always had trouble with the notion of the traditional “bucket list.” First of all, I don’t particularly like buckets. They always seem to be filled with some substance with which I’d rather not come into contact. Then there’s the problem with lists, which are simply forums that allow me to wallow in my own inefficacy and complete lack of drive. I don't know about you, but I’d rather my wasted and insignificant life remain unrecognized in tangible form.
(03/15/18 4:58am)
Get ready, Virginia! Sophia the Robot started as a circuit board and won’t stop until she achieves world domination. But first, she wants an education.